Marta Xochilt Perez
Grumpiest Cat For a festival plump with PLUR, it was certainly odd to see a Grumpy Cat prowling amid the bubblegum-colored tutus. He was testing the saccharine smiles of kandi ravers. But nothing, not even this guy, could bring the party down with a frown. Well, maybe the stench lurking under that rubber mask might.
Best Sign Ever Yes. After anything, we eat Taco Bell. See you there, brah.
Best Place to Meet a Bro: Ultra Worldwide This is the "tent" at Ultra where folks who don't know a whole lot about quality go to pump their fists hard as fuck and sweat stinky bullets. If you have a hankering for a bro or babe with mediocre taste in music and a deep desire to bounce around like they're surgically attached to a pogo stick, the Worldwide structure was made just for you.
Photo by George Martinez
Best Place to Meet Your New Gay Boyfriend: Carl Cox Tent No, we're not saying the Carl Cox tent is the best place to snag your next homosexual partner because it's got the word "Cox" in it. It's because Carl Cox is playing inside! House music is the erotic elixir of the gay community. This is where muscles come to find romance.
Baddest Bitch OK, no clue how old this lady is, but she's looking fierce as fuck! Dude, one day, we plan on having a bod as smoking hot as this woman's. Lord have mercy! And the way she's working that lace? We bow down before you, most mature babe at Ultra. We'll even figure out how to use a treadmill if you make us your disciple.
Finest Use of Feathers Miami's Cuci Amador of Afrobeta (which performed this year again) is one of the most flawless dressers in the state of Florida. Amador never falters. This Ultra, she brought the feather look that was so popular to the next level. She puts parrots to shame. And on the back of the jacket is the Afrobeta logo. Un-toppable.
Best Question of the Weekend Well, are you?
Coolest Cool Guy It may have been 90 degrees in downtown Miami this weekend, but this guy didn't even break a sweat. Not only is that actually cool, but he was wearing this fascinating kabuki-inspired ensemble that out-hipped the whole affair. His friend had a Maison Kitsune shirt on too. So yeah, he's cooler than you.
Sweatiest People There were two magical ladies riding around the festival grounds on the backs of huge white alien creatures, creating a memorable spectacle everywhere they went. Only thing is, those aren't actual alien creatures. Nope, they're human people wearing a hot costume and carting around probably 120 pounds' worth of human flesh, bone, muscle, hair, and makeup on their backs. They were likely the sweatiest people ever.
Most Clever Use of Symbols You know exactly what kind of music this guy loves. He doesn't even have to shout over the jaw-chattering bass. He loves house, and we love his ability to communicate, simply and clearly.
Craziest Look He's wearing top and bottom vampire grills. He's got on a floral blazer. All that jewelry on his head and hanging from his neck has to have been borrowed from a flapper. And those tight pink leggings? This is by far the craziest look of Ultra 2014.
Most Delicious Looking Chow We're way to poor to buy food at a festival, but we did a ton of sniffing and eyeing of other people's munchables. And we have to say, the teriyaki chicken tent had the flyest looking meals.
Most Fabulous Gay This is a message to all the young, almost fab queer kids out there: Follow this guy's lead! He is more than adorable in his shiny, sexy club kid fashions and Bjork-inspired hair. Love it all the way into tomorrow. Werk!
Most Frightening Troll One day, children will only know trolls as those assholes who say mean things on the Internet. But we know there were hideous dolls that we were expected to collect in middle school, and those were a different kind of troll. This chick donned a modern interp of that classic monster.
Photo by George Martinez
Healthiest Raver You can eat drugs or you can eat pineapples. This health-conscious raver chooses the fruit.
Photo by George Martinez
Largest Kandi Biceps Fashion tip! If you didn't have time to pump up your arms with endless dumbell curls, you can create the illusion of swollen biceps with beads.
Most Likely to Get Twitter Followers Don't lie, you just logged in to Twitter to follow this chick.
Most Literal Ravers These two girls took candy to heart and nipple and bum with these sugary sweet ensembles.
Most Normal People at Ultra These must have been the children of a vendor or maybe the festival's CFO. Why else would two seemingly well-adjusted dudes be hanging out at a grimy, bass-inflated shitshow?
Most Revealing Raver Dude ... This chick was so revealing, you can literally see inside her.
Weirdest Getup We hope this is just a leftover Halloween costume and this guy didn't buy a Boy Scout outfit specifically for Ultra. There are so many strange things about a man dressed as a young boy at a rave.
Suggestive Floral Arrangement Flowers represent one thing: vaginas. And yes, we're now looking at that rose and thinking about a vagina. Thanks, DIY raver girl!
RFT MUSIC'S GREATEST HITS
The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos Ever This Incredible Make-A-Wish Teenager Went to the Gathering of the Juggalos, Got a Lap Dance (NSFW) Crotching Whiskey at the Justin Bieber Concert and Getting Thrown Out: A Review The Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender at a Music Venue
Riverfront Times works for you, and your support is essential.
Our small but mighty local team works tirelessly to bring you high-quality, uncensored news and cultural coverage of St. Louis and beyond.
Unlike many newspapers, ours is free – and we'd like to keep it that way, because we believe, now more than ever, everyone deserves access to accurate, independent coverage of their community.
Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing pledge, your support helps keep St. Louis' true free press free.