by Luke Winkie
There's a new Coldplay song out now called "Midnight." In the song's video, Chris Martin stands in the frozen wilderness, singing wordless garbles in a bleary, sickeningly holy croon. There's a moment where it cuts to a solemn wolf, staring into the camera. It is this exact moment where we realize Coldplay is tired of even attempting to look hip. Martin has accepted his place as a permanent lounge act, happy to headline confused festivals, desperately trying to strike at the lowest common denominator. The band has become a whiter Bon Iver, which almost seems impossible.
This is all fine, of course. We will continue to enjoy the one or two Coldplay songs that will inevitably bounce around the radio, and we will all salute them as they recede back into the darkness with our money and children. It's actually pretty phenomenal how a guy like Chris Martin has managed to be so successful in an artistic field while saying absolutely nothing of consequence in a career. His most provocative moment was when he told that radio station that he liked Nickelback. He's got an undeniable ear for melody, but words do not come easy to Mr. Yoouuuuuuuuu Arrreeeeeeee.
Here's a little quiz to prove the point. I typed the words "original poetry" into Tumblr, and collected the funniest specimens I could find. Each of these questions feature three selections from Tumblr's finest, and one that was written by Grammy-winning recording artist Chris Martin. Can you spot the Coldplay in the midst of the fourteen-year-olds? Let's find out!
A - "Maybe I'm in the black, maybe I'm on my knees, maybe I'm in the gap between the two trapezes" B - "There is a universe, in the creases of your elbows, in the backs of your knees" C - "I would search the earth and sky, to find someone as perfect as you and I" D - "Daylight litters the land with hope, promises, expectations"
A - "My heart never had anything, not even you" B - You can hold your arms as wide as you can, but you'll never catch all the stars" C - "You cut me down a tree, brought it back to me, that's what made me see where I was going wrong" D - "I thought I had found my lover, but she adored another"
A - "I am the record, and you are the needle" B - "You were an artist, I was the canvas" C - "What if there was no light, nothing wrong, nothing right, what if there was no time?" D - "I burned for you, a passionate blaze, encompassing all I knew"
A - "In the morning I get to wake up and smile, knowing I get to see you in a while" B - "I wanna live life, be good to you, I wanna fly and never come down" C - "White cloud, white noise, filling my head with silence" D - "Your body is a temple, mine is a slum"
A - "Open up your eyes, just open up your eyes" B - "I like standing next to you in the cold" C - "Words sloshed together, like alphabet soup" D - "There's a photo album on my desk, it makes me sad"
Answer key on the next page.
ANSWER - A: The gap between two trapezes? Is that something that even exists?
ANSWER - C: Either that was a really convincing tree, or Chris Martin is the most gullible person who has ever lived.
ANSWER - C: Fucking magnets, how do they work?
ANSWER - B: I wanna do the absolute bare minimum to get you to sleep with me.
ANSWER - A: Being urged to open up your eyes to see Coldplay would be one of the least impressive things ever.
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