The Ten-Step Illustrated Pot Moocher's Guide to Getting High at Shows



All illustrations by Dan Zettwoch
By Vanessa Quilantan

Marijuana and music have gone hand in hand for decades. In the '60s, when Bob Dylan smoked out the Beatles for the first time and howled, "Everybody must get stoned!" on the opening track of Blonde on Blonde, middle America was frightened by the reefer madness of rock & roll. Luckily, times have changed.

The last time the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services conducted a study on the topic, they found that more than 100 million Americans have used or regularly use marijuana. And, of course, the process of decriminalization has begun. Even in Missouri, where possession of small amounts of weed will earn you a misdemeanor charge and possible jail time, there is almost always the sweet aroma of weed smoke in the air, especially at outdoor concerts.

Whether you're an occasional smoker or you've got a green lung, maybe you've caught the urge to partake at a concert. Not that we're encouraging you to commit crimes. We're just presenting hypotheticals. So, conceptually, you reach into your pocket, only to discover you forgot your stash. Luckily, your fellow concert patrons are just friends you haven't met yet. Here's how to make the connection. Remember folks: You may not have a joint, but it'd be a lot cooler if you did.

Dan Zettwoch
1. Be a woman. Women are pretty and smell good and are therefore more inclined to get things they want. Bat your eyelashes, maybe swing your hips along to the music. Somebody's going to want to come and talk to you, and that somebody just might smoke you out.

Dan Zettwoch
2. Look for people who look like stoners. If someone looks like a stoner, talks like a stoner, laughs like a stoner, it stands to reason that you're more likely to get stoned around them. You can try the old standby: Look for a guy in a green shirt.

3. Sniff it out. That sweet smell of Mary Jane that just smacked you in the face as you walked through the crowd? Follow that. Wait until your stoner Spidey Sense starts tingling, then move in for the kill.

Continue to the next page for more.

Dan Zettwoch
4. Have a lighter. Stoners always need a lighter. If you smoke cigarettes, lighting up at an outdoor concert will let them know you've got one. If, unlike us, you actually care about your health, try to find another way to showcase your lighter-carrying ability. Maybe practice juggling them in your spare time, or make a necklace out of them. (We have seen both at EDM fests.)

5. Keep a Swisher or some papers on you. It's another thing stoners somehow always need. It also helps to be able to roll. Honestly, there's a 50/50 chance you might have to smoke it for them too.

Dan Zettwoch
6. Be friendly! Smoking weed with a stranger is starting a conversation with a stranger, so just be cool. At the very least, you obviously have similar taste in music. Don't be too friendly, though. You don't want to have to tell your kids one day that you met their father while he was rolling a huge fatty at Coachella.

7. If someone's not trying to share their weed, don't pout. That's their right, as a marijuana purchaser, and your cross to bear as a hop-on. Refrain from all side-eyeing, scoffing or hair flipping. That's just bad form.

Continue to the next page for more.

Dan Zettwoch
8. Eye contact, point to the weed, gesture with pinched fingers and nod. That is the universal body language for, "Do you mind if I hit that?" If you get a nod in return, your request has been granted. This exchange can take place no matter how loud the music around you is.

9. Don't hijack that shit. Don't smoke down a whole joint in three pulls, don't puff and pass to four friends behind you. And don't overstay your welcome in that rotation, or you might not be invited back.

Dan Zettwoch
10. Wait for the hits. At rock concerts and hip-hop shows, stoners tend to bring a designated blunt/joint/bowl's worth for the purpose of lighting up to enhance the experience of their favorite song. Don't believe me? Go to a Juicy J show and see what happens during "Bandz A Make Her Dance."


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