by Drew Ailes
Some people just know how to hook you, right? Say you're browsing an online dating profile and someone catches your eye. Witty one-liners, cute smirks, maybe something cryptic like a tattoo of Josef Stalin eating a hot dog. Their linked Tumblr page shows they have an active interest in occult medicine and deep-sea creatures. Whatever weird, dumb thing you're into on the Internet, they've got it. They've seemingly got the total package.
So you go and meet them at your favorite gastropub, and as you're sipping a glass of some crap with fernet in it, it dawns on you: This person doesn't seem that cool. How can this be? How could you have been snowed so easily based on a first impression?
It's the same, sometimes, with music. The following songs all have brilliant introductions but quickly go on to suck out loud. Listen and wince as the pangs of regret throb in your ears.
6. Red Hot Chili Peppers - "Under the Bridge"
The Red Hot Chili Peppers, who should've been forgotten and filed away as a Big Boys rip-off in their early years, managed to spawn one gem in their entire catalog of terribleness: the first 28 seconds of this song. Then, the appearance of Anthony Kiedis' hairless body marks the end of one of the most beautiful introductions in modern music and the beginning of one of the most horrendous, boring, saccharine songs ever written, re-enforcing the fact that Generation X is comprised of clueless twits.
If "Under the Bridge" was a one-night stand, you would never call it back after it obsessively texted you to retrieve the poetry "accidentally" left under your bed. Curiously, all of the produce in your refrigerator would start growing soul patches.
5. Arctic Monkeys - "A Certain Romance"
The more I write, the less I read the comments on my articles. And although it's probably a mistake to admit this, I'll say I was affected by two of them. The first was on my article about bigoted musicians where it was theorized that I was an apologist relative of legendary Fox News dickhead,Roger Ailes (sorry, no relation). The second comment stated that I was obviously a huge fan of Arctic Monkeys. To be certain the latter was dead wrong, I listened to them. And it was bad. The good thing that came out of it, however, was that I was inspired to compile this list.
If you clicked the link, then you've noticed the song completely pukes all over itself right as things start to get hot and heavy. However, like me, you were probably fooled into giving it a chance by the alluring pound of the drums and repetitive guitar as it builds to a loud, dirty riff.
If you think this is an isolated incident, think again. Arctic Monkeys nose-dive into a pit of steaming garbage over and over again. The cringe-worthily titled "I Bet You Look Good on the Dance Floor" and "The View From the Afternoon" also both begin with decent, striking intros before deteriorating into watered-down, flimsy tripe. Pathetic.
4. Blue Swede - "Hooked on a Feeling"
"Hooked on a Feeling" is pure, back-stabbing betrayal - the kind you get from a person who charms their way into your apartment and politely asks to crash on your couch for a night. Then tries to stay there for a month.
It is extremely perplexing to consider the decision to transition from one of the best song introductions of all time into one of the lamest songs ever. Worst of all, they attempt to revive the "Ooga-chaka" later in the song, but it falls flat as you realize it's just going to drone back into awful lounge music. But with every tragedy, there is a silver lining - at least "Hooked on a Feeling" survived long enough to be covered in a psychotic manner by David Hasselhoff.
3. Six Feet Under - "Lycanthropy" (Live)
I'm going to get right to it, folks. When you preface a song with, "This is about the wolf; it's called 'Lycanthropy,'" you're setting the bar pretty high from the get-go. Too bad listening to this stale crap is probably more painful than having sex with a werewolf.
2. Guns N' Roses - "Sweet Child of Mine"
Those warm, buoyant, reverberating notes, echoing in a bright spiraling pattern - it's an intro that sounds like it could be the soundtrack to a meteor shower. The rest of the song, however, is a shrill and insincere waste made by a bunch of clowns. If "Sweet Child of Mine" were a one-night stand it would be awkward, because once those leopard-print pants came off, you'd realize they were filled with greasy diarrhea.
1. Devo - "Gut Feeling"
In a stunning twist ending only worthy of appearing in an M. Night Shyamalan film (or a music-themed list in an alt-weekly), we've included a song which has an intro just as fantastic as the rest of it. A one-night stand with this song would still be uncomfortable, though. Not because it'd wear one of those little red hats or yellow suits to bed, but because of how unworthy you'd find yourself feeling halfway through as your notice your filth tainting its divine beauty. Devo is simply too good for you. You should know that.
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