Musical Gift Ideas for People You Hate

by

comment
working_on_a_dream.jpg

By Luke Winkie

Around this time of year, a lot of music websites put up "Holiday Gift Guides." They're either earnest, articulate and full of enthusiastic suggestions for interesting items for the music lover in your life, or they're depressing corporate-sponsored flotsam and stand as a remarkably stark representation of the state of the publishing industry. Our Holiday Gift Guide is different. We are not going to give you good ideas; we are going to give you terrible ideas. We're going to be Santa with a giant chip on his shoulder. We want to make the music lover in your life cry in either rage or sorrow. We want to nurture your spite. This is the 2013 Hater's Holiday Gift Guide.

Bullet For My Valentine Chain Wallet Nothing says tragic compensation like a mix of chains and skulls dangling from a pair of Wal-Mart shorts.

The Entirety of the Hot Topic Vinyl Selection We know you've always wanted the second Jeffree Star album on overpriced wax. What about the Dropkick Murphys discography? Thankfully, Hot Topic will always have our back.

The Same Clarinet They Played For Two Weeks In Middle School Band This is a really good gift if you want to hammer home the person's commitment issues.

Metallica_Black-Album560.jpg
Metallica's Black Album The Universal Media Disc, or UMD, was a format introduced by Sony in 2005 to be played on their PlayStation Portable handheld. Yes, in an effort to fight piracy, Sony came up with a format that could literally only be played on one uber-specific device, and called it "universal." I do like the idea of someone being so desperate to listen to Metallica that they see no other option than buying a PSP.

An Account on the AbsolutePunk.net Forums I understand you can talk about Jesse Lacey's penis on that website.

A Cheesy Gordita Crunch To be honest, I'd be pretty stoked to unwrap a weeks-old Cheesy Gordita Crunch on Christmas morning.

Continue to page two for more gift ideas.

krecordswallet.jpg
A K Records Wallet >Some websites will have you believe that buying someone a K Records wallet is a "quaint but powerful symbol of anti-materialism at each grab for your debit card," and will help remind the person you're buying it for to "spend their $5 on a 7" at a show instead of a can of beer." Because there's nothing I love more than ideology for Christmas. We think if you buy someone a present for Christmas and say "this is to remind you to be an anti-capitalist stalwart, you know, just like me" rightfully deserves a punch in the face.

A $25 Sam Goody Gift Card Good luck, fucker.

A Saxophone Made Out of Moustraps Because that would be a bummer, right? Like, trying to play a saxophone made out of mousetraps.

Bruce Springsteen's Working on a Dream, Special Edition. A $30 version of the 13th best Bruce Springsteen album.

RFT MUSIC'S GREATEST HITS

The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos Ever "Where Did My Dick Go?" The Gathering of the Juggalos' Best Overheard Quotations I Pissed Off Megadeth This Week, My (Former) Favorite Band The Top Ten Ways to Piss Off Your Bartender at a Music Venue


Tags

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.