[Editor's Note: In this column, award-winning music critic/goofball (and hip-hop coloring-book purveyor) Shea Serrano writes about his life and times.]
Here's what you need to know about Robert Sylvester Kelly: He's the fucking best.
At singing. At wearing masks. At making videos of himself having sex. All of it. And so of course his new album, Black Panties, does amazing things. There's one part where he says he wants to make crazy faces in the mirror just because it's fun, and on a different part he says he's going to marry a pussy because it's an extra-special pussy. See, he knows that if he gets bored with that pussy then the pussy he married will bring him another pussy to join them. That's a little thing called true love.
Originally, the plan was to review Black Panties using GIFs that captured each song's essence. But it turns out that would have required using anime pornography, which isn't appropriate for this, um, family blog. So I decided on the exact opposite: ADORABLE BABY ANIMAL GIFs!
"Legs Shakin'" featuring Ludacris
This song is about performing oral sex on a girl until her legs shake. This GIF is the exact opposite.
"Cookie" is about vagina cookies.
"Throw This Money on You"
"Throw This Money on You" is about being so moved by a woman that you feel compelled to throw money at her. This GIF is the exact opposite. I don't want to throw money at this little guy. I want to throw tiny kisses and squeezes and nuzzles at him.
"Marry the Pussy"
"I'm gonna make you happy, pussy." --R. Kelly.
Not that kind of pussy, wonderful little cat. This song is about wanting to marry a girl's vagina. That's the only part of her he felt was worth keeping. :(
This GIF is the exact opposite. :)
"You Deserve Better"
"You Deserve Better" is about a girl that deserves better, a euphemism for "R. Kelly's ding-dong." This GIF is the exact opposite. This kitty does not deserve R. Kelly's ding-dong. He needs me to love him forever and make him feel special because that's exactly what he is. LOOK AT HIS TINY LEGS DANGLING OH MY GAWD.
This song is about the luck a girl has had by choosing to have sex with R. Kelly because he is, well, a sex genius. This GIF is the exact opposite. I don't imagine this tiny pup is a sex genius. He's probably, like, never even gotten laid.
"All the Way" featuring Kelly Rowland
"All the Way" is about going all the way with R. Kelly. But the charming tike in this GIF is not going all the way with R. Kelly. He is going the opposite way.
"My Story" featuring 2 Chainz
R. Kelly's is kinda whatevs, really. But what about this adorable little darling's story?
This song is about R. Kelly and his friends and how much he likes them. It's also about how church wasn't that great for him, that his friends were way better. This GIF is actually right.
"Spend That" featuring Jeezy
This song is about spending a lot of money on things, cool things, sex things, unnecessary things. But this sleepy cat is not interested in any of that.
This song is about doing things with a penis and a vagina that would be considered less than traditional. A kitty and a dog that are friends is also less than traditional. It's also AMAZING. "Shut Up"
This song is about R. Kelly telling people to shut up because they said things he didn't like. It's confrontational. This GIF is the exact opposite. There's nothing confrontational about this bunny. Unless confrontational is a new way to say wonderful. Because then yeah, this bunny is confrontational like a motherfucker.
"Tear It Up" featuring Future
This song is about R. Kelly tearing up a woman's vagina. This GIF is the exact opposite. Just look at it. This little doggy doesn't want to tear up anybody's vagina. He just wants to finish his shift at the candy factory.
"Show Ya Pussy" featuring Migos & Juicy J
This song is about telling girls to show their vaginas ("Show ya pussy!" over and over again). This GIF is the exact opposite.
This song is about convincing a girl to do sex things by saying "let's get physical." This GIF is the exact opposite. These two are not getting physical. Not at all. They're just adorable.
(Yes, this is the second time this GIF was used because I MEAN COME ON.)
This song is about having sex in every position. (I only know about three. Turns out, there are TONS more.) This GIF is the exact opposite. It's toy yorkies surrounding a real yorkie. Who just wooks so pwerfect.
Great album, Kells. Welcome back. We missed you. Sorry for not having anime porn.
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