Another school year has passed, and now all that's left for departing students to cherish are the sweet memories of Friday-night football, prom and the loin-burning, unrequited, forbidden lust for their smoking-hot teachers.
I know, it sounds kind of creepy. But admit it: You once had a fantasy teacher, that certain Mr. or Mrs. (or Dr. or Coach) who made dragging your ass to the bus stop and eating bland lunchroom food all worth it.
How could you not? If you had even one teacher who was reasonably attractive, the boredom of class and the frustrations of young adulthood made that educator your own personal pinup. At the least, seeing him or her made the day brighter. And, if they were truly amazing, a porno the length of one class period ran through your head.
As long as these longings remained imaginary and not realized -- nothing that could have landed Mr., Mrs., Dr. or Coach in jail, let's say -- then these passing passions could be permitted. So, in honor of these secret indiscretions -- and not the kinds that become Nancy Grace stories -- here are the best songs for recalling these romances:
"I Have a Crush On My Teacher," Kate Micucci Micucci is half of the comedy music duo Garfunkel and Oates, but this one's from her 2010 solo effort E.P. Phone Home. The song sounds like the innocent beginnings of a sweet, harmless infatuation. Micucci's girlish voice accentuates innocent lines like, "You can come to my house anytime/I don't think that my mom would mind/She can make spaghetti."
Her instrument of choice is ukulele, which furthers the notion of Micucci as a baby-faced bobbysoxer crooning under a tree in her high school courtyard. But, don't be fooled by all this purported saccharine. Her full catalogue includes songs about one-night stands, handjobs and sex with ducks.
"Teach U a Lesson," Robin Thicke Thicke's latest, the up-in-the-club jam "Blurred Lines" may be in the running for song of the summer. He played teacher with a dirty mind on this track from 2006's The Evolution of Robin Thicke.
Using a soulfully seductive falsetto to draw prey into his den of iniquity, this cad is obviously no English teacher. The song qualifies as possibly one of the worst ever written, with lines like "You won't get the grade you want/Unless you stay after school/You can work it off/Baby, I can give you extra credit." Midsong there's an entire stanza about frisking the subject (victim?) for WMDs. WMDs? WTFs? Apparently, the guy has never heard of a mixed metaphor.
Maybe this song will score some jailbait from the bottom of the class rankings, but the valedictorian would laugh this teacher's ludicrous wordplay out of the classroom.
"Librarian," My Morning Jacket
The object of educational desire isn't always a teacher or coach. My Morning Jacket reminds us all of the sneaky hotness of librarians. That's the standard male fantasy for these educational professionals, by the way. She can't be an outright bombshell.
Art by Paul Rader/Photo by James Vaughan
Ideally, she should be wearing Liz Lemon glasses and holding her hair up with a pencil, as she does in "Librarian." Or, if My Morning Jacket had written instead "School Nurse," the fantasy woman would unveil herself as a goddess only after losing the nurse's cap and uniform.
Even though it sounds pretty, My Morning Jacket's song is a bit stalker-like, with its infatuated library patron spying on a woman who is simply trying to do her job. As she listens to the Carpenters on AM radio, he gawks at her through bookshelves and fantasizes about trying to get her decimal system all dewy. What a creeper.
"Mixer at Delta Chi," Stephen Lynch Having a pair of comedic songs on this list hopefully suggests I'm not taking this all too seriously. There's nothing funny about statutory rape, but the horribly hilarious Stephen Lynch still makes you laugh about it all.
"Mixer" tells the tale of "the bad professor/a tenured titty caresser," on the hunt for freshman coeds. Once he scores one, (with his distinguished good looks, college-level game and handy Oxycontin) he tells her, "I've got your student body/She wants a better grade/I say if you roll over I'll throw in financial aid."
"Teach Me," Miguel So, Vili Fualaau, the victim and now legal husband of onetime child rapist Mary Kay Letourneau, is a DJ. He and his wife have hosted a few "Hot for Teacher" nights at clubs so he could spin tunes and try to make something of the notorious fifteen minutes he and his spouse once made for bumping underaged uglies.
If he doesn't have this white-hot jam in his set, he ought to just give up and do something else. Lines like "show and tell something... playing with my dirty mind" must surely recall for him whenever Mrs. Letourneau was a teacher trying to help him with his dangling participles.
"Teach Me Tonight," Amy Winehouse This standard is celebrating its 50th anniversary this year and has been covered by male and female singers all playing the song's role of eager student. Occasionally, the dudes will give it a shot (Al Jarreau, Stevie Wonder, Barry Manilow), but this one really belongs to the ladies.
Why? Well, it's sexy and romantic. In case you haven't caught on, many songs of this ilk sung by the men are thinly veiled, testosterone-driven pleas for sex. The ladies at least are looking for love, or some semblance of it.
Amy Winehouse's version is a favorite because it's Amy Winehouse singing it. I don't think I need to say more, but if you require an explanation, we'll enroll you in Incredible Voices 101.
"Hot for Teacher," Van Halen In a nod to the recent graduating class of 2013 (congrats, y'all) and the kids who will be returning to school following summer break, I've tried to include songs from current acts. But, you can't really compose a list like this without "Hot for Teacher."
People always equate Alex Van Halen's killer opening drum sequence to the sound of a revving motorcycle, but, fitting the motif, I've always considered it the rapid hammering of some poor schmuck's heart when his extra-fine teacher called on him to answer some random history question. Eddie's guitar sounds like the maniacal screaming inside the fellow's brain telling him to focus on the question and, above all, to not touch himself in front of his teacher and a roomful of ruthless classmates.
Diamond Dave starts singing, and the song becomes shtick, which you can take or leave; but, the first 45 or 50 seconds of the song is the rock & roll embodiment of unabashed, teacher-wanting, teenaged desire.