Here Are All 80 Horrible Similes on Lil Wayne's I Am Not a Human Being II



Mike Mezeul
Lil Wayne has just released his tenth studio album, I Am Not a Human Being II. It's been eighteen years since his first album: True Story as one half of The B.G.'z. In that time, he's been a lesser-known member of an embattled Southern hip-hop group, a scrawny kid, a mixtape hero, the greatest rapper alive, the world's biggest pop star, a crossover cautionary tale, a completely non-discriminatory shill and an old man playing catch-up in a style he practically invented. That style would be the free-association that people once reverently described as "Dadaist" but now more commonly refer to as "stupid." And he deserves it, really: In 2007 we were getting vivid genius like, "I'm so motherfuckin' high, I could eat a star." Whereas now we're just getting whatever lazy nonsense wanders into his addled brain ("'Cause when it Waynes it pours," which, come on).

Wayne understood language so intuitively in those heady pre-Tha Carter III days that he could skip through convention and construction and arrive at expression that made him seem like the only dude speaking in colors, while everyone else was stuck in black and white. That's why he was the greatest. And then people succeeded him and did it even better while he got too big to care anymore.

Metaphors and similes have always been a valuable tool for anyone writing poetry, rappers very much included. But Wayne's style allowed for looser association, and as he has steadily run out of things to say, you can see the deterioration of his creativity. By way of demonstrating this, here are all 80 similes from the new album. Note that only five of them come from guest artists.

Hashtag similes (the ones thar are nouns at the end of a line, apropos of nothing, grammatically) don't count. And obviously this is the most profane thing you will read today. So NSFReading Aloud at Work, I guess.

IANAHB 1. Medicine, I treat it like peppermints. 2. I be grindin' on them hoes like a half pipe. 3. Then I make her take this dick like advice. 4. I stick it in her ass like some fucking steroids. 5. Like a white boy wearing black paint, you're a fake-ass nigga. 6. Runnin' this shit like a faucet. 7. I can make ya bitch root for me like I grew her. 8. 90 billions bitches on my dick like a skewer. 9. I got her over here blowing me like coffee. 10. Bitches sweatin' me like John Mayer, or warm air.

Curtains ft. Boo 11. I'm getting cake like I'm Jewish. 12. Your bitch ride me like a go-kart. 13. I play that pussy like Mozart. 14. I get Adam like Yolonda. 15. She gone ride this dick like the Kentucky-Derby. 16. Game tight like virgins. [Boo] 17. Ain't got no worries like Tunechi. [Boo]

Days and Days ft. 2 Chainz 18. I milk this shit like cattle. 19. That's my word like Scrabble. 20. I'm on them trees like candy canes. 21. I pop a nigga like a 'cycle. 22. [I] drop a nigga like a missile.

Gunwalk ft. Gudda Gudda 23. Cause I'll pull the trigger like teeth. 24. I pull your card like a lawn mower. [Note: card=cord here] No Worries ft. Detail 25. These niggas falling off like baggy clothes.

Back to You 26. She ride me like a drive-by. 27. I be loaded like software. 28. I beat it up like a fist fight.

Trigger Finger 29. Blunts like fingers, I'm about to make a fist. 30. Glock clip full like the moon in the sky. 31. Pass that weed, like I studied. 32. And controlling my thoughts is like taming sharks. 33. You ain't gon hurt nobody like Kid 'n Play. 34. Eyes hella red like chlorine nigga. 35. These niggas buying hatorade by the twelve pack like two stomachs. 36. I'm laced up like two shoes. 37. And these niggas nag like bitches. 38 and 39. Actin' like little fags like Richard. 40. You gotta problem, I can fix it like a mathematician.

Beat the Shit ft. Gunplay 41. Got a pocket full of ass-whoopings, I'm giving 'em out like nicknames. 42. Get beat like a drum. 43. I'll bring it to your chest, make you King me like Kong my nigga.

Rich as Fuck ft. 2 Chainz 44. AK on my night stand, right next to that Bible, but I swear with my 50 shots, I'll shoot it out like 5-0. 45. She get on that dick and stay on all night like porch lights. 46. And I'm sprayin at these rusty niggas like WD-40. 47. Bitch niggas go behind your back like nunchucks and that's fucked up. 48. I just wanna hit and run like I ain't got insurance, hoe. 49. Then put the bitch out like a house fire. 50. I'm killin these hoes like Michael Myers. 51. I eat that cat just like a lion 52. And pussy feel just like heaven on earth.

Trippy ft. Juicy J 53. I'm blowing like I'm stuck in traffic. 54. I'm smoking on that strong, got me coughing like I'm getting buried. [Coughing=coffin] 55. Eyes rolling back and keep blinking like hazards. 56. Take a bitch home and fuck like rabbits. Love Me ft. Drake and Future 57. And these hoes love me like Satan. 58. These hoes got pussies like craters. 59. She say my dick feel like morphine. 60. I hope my name tastes like sardines.

Romance 61. I stand up in that pussy like a sunroof.

God Bless Amerika None!

Wowzers ft. Trina 62. Till she tired like a rim. 63. Give her head like a brim. 64. I hope that pussy smell like a violet. 65. Down here waiting for her to cum like payday. 66. Dick head like a bullet. 67. I hope her ass feel like cushion. 68. I hope that pussy tastes like pudding. 69. I'mma leave that ass smoking like a Amsterdam tourist, man. 70. This pussy so clean, like soap in your mouth. [Trina] 72. If that dick like a tree watch me build a treehouse. [Trina] 73. I stay on that dick like a fucking balance beam. [Trina]

Hello ft. Shane Heyl 74. We pass weed like time over here. 75. Don't worry, I'll be back if her pussy like crack. 76. And that apple bottom, bite that apple like Mac. 77. Cause I'mma wear this ass out like a uniform. 78, 79, 80. So ride this dick like a horse, pony, unicorn.

See also: -Ten Bands You Never Would Have Thought Used to Be Good -The Ten Biggest Concert Buzzkills: An Illustrated Guide -The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos Ever -The Ten Worst Music Tattoos Ever

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