David Bowie is an Alien. No, really. We Mean it.
I've had this idea marinating for a long time. Like, years. I've floated it to various sources and it's been met with reactions that vary from amused to annoyed, but I'm dead serious: I really think David Bowie is an alien. An extraterrestrial. A being from another planet.
I'm kind of into conspiracy theories. To some degree, many people will entertain one theory or another. I think we can all agree that there was a cover-up involving JFK assassination, that electoral fraud is widespread and that Freemasons run the world. (And, c'mon, Paul is dead, right?) But I'm also pretty interested in lesser known conspiracies. Just a few weeks ago, I got really into researching the "Bill Hicks is now Alex Jones" idea. And don't even get me started on green fireballs and Project Twinkle.
But this Bowie thing is a different kind of conspiracy theory. And by that I mean that it seems to be a theory supported only by two people in the world: me, and his former wife, Angela Bowie. I'm not sure why this is, because it seems dead obvious to me, but I'm willing to share my findings in the name of scientific research.
I think this is a case of hiding in plain sight. Since the very beginning of his career, Bowie has presented himself as a space age being from another universe, a star from the stars. There is scarcely a Bowie song or piece of art that does not reference space or aliens: Space Oddity, Starman, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars, The Man Who Fell to Earth, Moonage Daydream, Hallo Spaceboy, Earthling, Life on Mars, Loving the Alien... the list could go on and on. (And if you can show me that "Oh, You Pretty Things!" is about any subject other than the impending extraterrestrial colonization of Earth, then I'm all ears.)
His newest album, The Next Day, is released today and it continues along this theme of space. When the second single off of the album, "The Stars (Are Out Tonight)" was released, I threw my hands up in exasperation. Dude! I get you! I hear you loud and clear, Bowie. You ain't from 'round these parts.
This kind of overkill involving otherworldly oversaturation is suspicious to me. It's like turning Area 51 into a tourist destination for UFO enthusiasts. If you take something like this and make it so blatant and so cheesy that only a nut job could possibly believe that it's true, then it is automatically unjustifiably discredited.
One of Bowie's personas, Ziggy Stardust, was represented as an alien who visited Earth in the form of a rock star. In the movie The Man Who Fell to Earth, Bowie played an alien who crash lands on Earth, becomes highly successful and well known and then records messages to his home planet that he hopes will be sent through the radio. Sheesh. Obvious, much?
Bowie's recent role on Earth is to act as an internationally successful music icon with unprecedented staying power. The job of "rock star" really is the perfect cover for an alien: he can easily influence the masses, any odd or outrageous behavior is expected and he has the ability to freely spread his alien seed among unsuspicious females. (Groupies.)
Glam rock, specifically, helped Bowie to blend in. Seen as a fashion trailblazer, he could appear weird and shiny and futuristic and he was just seen as a leader among the glittered masses. Aliens must be able to see the future, too, because they seem to have set Bowie's human time clock improperly. He's always been a little bit ahead of the trends, be it through embracing glam, utilizing electronica or pushing new genres and styles. Recently when he's caught by paparazzi on the streets, he seems to always be wearing a version of an all gray outfit-- is it the uniform of the future? I guess we'll find out.
Even now, his health, productivity and good looks just don't make any sense. He's aged very well-- a little too well, if you ask me. In his work, he's always shown a unique ability to collaborate with the unique, the talented, the odd and the unexplainable. His long-time bass goddess, Gail Ann Dorsey, is too amazing to be real and what's up with his alien twin sister, Tilda Swinton? He finally broke down and featured her in his new music video. Again, putting the obvious right in our faces as to avoid suspicion.
And how in the heck did he manage to record his entire new album in secret? In the age of the Internet over-sharing and social media, where everyone's damn sandwich is considered news, keeping a secret of this scale is unthinkable. Clearly, there is some kind of mind control at work here.
In the alien's personal life, his choice of mates is also suspect. His rumored relationship with Iggy Pop, explored in the film Velvet Goldmine (the greatest accidental pornography of our generation), hints at both a network of gifted beings and the from-the-stars theory. In the movie, there's a magical absinthe-colored crystal from the sky that gives those who possess it some kind of amazing power to dazzle people with charisma. It is passed on and on, from Oscar Wilde to Iggy Pop to Brian Ferry to David Bowie.
Bowie is currently Earth-married to Iman, a supermodel. With their big heads and long limbs, supermodels are the closest thing we have on this planet to an alien-looking female. But his former wife, Angela, is the only person to publicly discuss his alien-ness. She wrote a book in which she straight up described her own husband as an "alien" who was "lit from within" and "one of the Light People." (Backstage Passes: Life on the Wild Side with David Bowie, pages 56-57, check it out.)
Bowie, I believe you. You aren't from here. You've said it a million times in a thousand different ways. I'm receiving your signal and I welcome you and what I assume are other super-hotties from your planet.
So, what do you guys think? Do you think interesting physical traits like his intense, uneven eyes are a reflection of something non-human? Or that his hospitalization in 2004 for an angioplasty was a cover for something else? Or that his long-time refusal to fly in airplanes should be seen as a distrust of subpar human flight technology?
And while we're at it, what do you think about Prince? He's from the same planet, right? Yeah, I thought so. Keep exploring, people of Earth. The truth is out there.
See also: -Ten Bands You Never Would Have Thought Used to Be Good -The Ten Biggest Concert Buzzkills: An Illustrated Guide -The 15 Most Ridiculous Band Promo Photos Ever -The Ten Worst Music Tattoos Ever