Editor's note: This post is half of a two-parter! Please read its companion post as well, Six Tips For Hosting Dirty Vagrants (Also Known as Touring Bands).
Musicians are selfish, entitled bastards. The most insidiously horrible ones tend to take their acts on the road, so as to gleefully mooch off the kindness of strangers. In a foreign land, they'd be burning through their earnings with motel fare or else trying to power nap in Wal-Mart parking lots if not for the kindness of unsuspecting strangers.
These musician leeches depend on promoters to book shows, open-minded patrons to buy records and wonderful people to house them. We have housed and been housed in our time, so we know full well that being a bloodsucker is no easy task. We're here to light the trail. Follow these breadcrumbs on your road to success at sapping your sanctuary of its owner's sanity.
Disclaimer: For goodness sake, do not really try these at anyone's home. Bands have definitely done so in ours, and we've probably been guilty of committing a couple of these crimes ourselves. But definitely not number 1...
1.Throw your poopy toilet paper in the trash can. Or flush a lot of it so the toilet clogs. Going number two in a stranger's bathroom is a delicate balance that can and should definitely be disturbed. If there's a window, don't bother cracking it. And for shit's sake, don't bother closing the door no matter what you're doing in there, so everyone within a five foot radius can know about it.
2. If you had a bad show or an unpleasant experience with the venue, make sure you complain about it out loud. Chances are, the city you're in is smaller than you think, and you're bound to offend someone nearby! This is a good thing.
3. Scavenge freely. If you see some leftover pork ribs (or anything else, for that matter) on the kitchen counter, be sure to stealthily snag them and devour them over the bathroom sink, scattering meaty chunks everywhere in a drunken haze that only your host will remember in the morning. Also, make sure to hide excess bones or other unwanted scraps in the bathroom trash (yep -- this has happened to us). Go ahead -- take anything you want without asking, even though they'd probably be happy to share with you anyway. Sure, sharing is caring -- but stealing is daring.
4. Use all that TP. Every. last. square. This isn't about poop. It's not -- It's about snot. Forget about buying your own Kleenex to soak up your snotty cold. Just use whatever's laying around. Blankets, towels, the shower curtain -- and make sure you wipe your sticky fingers on the house pets afterward.
5. Leave your mark. That means nose hairs, toenail clippings, and mysterious curly locks that can only be left to your host's imagination. If you floss, make sure you leave any remnants of oral hygiene around for their scrapbooks. The bathtub and sink your hosts graciously offered (or didn't, but you used anyway) is a great depository for all of these things.
6. Get up early and get in the way. The shower is your playground. Stay in there for a whole hour if you like. No hot water left behind. The people who live at the house can just poop in the backyard, if it really comes down to it.
Bonus points: Sleep with your shirt off so the maximum amount of B.O. soaks into the upholstery of the couch. Use your host's towel. Leave trash wherever you see fit and put containers full of mysterious leftover food in the fridge. Definitely do not do any dishes that you've used.