An Open Fan Letter to Mitt Romney and Todd Akin

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Editor: Tef Poe is an artist from St. Louis City. Through powerful imagery and complicated honesty, he has earned a reputation as one of the best rappers telling the story of St. Louis, which is about much more than one place. Poe has been featured in music publications such as XXL and Urb Magazine. His next project War Machine 2 was released this Tuesday, June 5th and will be followed up by a full-length with DJ Burn One entitled Cheer For The Villain. Follow him on twitter @tefpoe. Get War Machine 2 here.

Every week in I'm Just A Rapper Tef discusses modern life, hip-hop, and the deep connection between them.

Dear Todd Akin and Mitt Romney,

I'll start this letter off by paying homage to your beautiful and admirable wife Mr.Romney. Every time I say the word "America" her beautiful southern dixie styled smile comes to mind. America...America...America...Yes Ann Romney!! I really admired the way your wife gracefully stared into the camera at the RNC and said the word "America" every 60 seconds.

I mean, you're Republicans, so we all know we don't give a damn about facts or fact checking. Those tools are useless things used by people with common sense to decide whether or not they should vote for a person. We all know real elections are won solely based upon how many times you can say the word "America" in one speech. So Ann was really laying the proverbial smack down on those left wing bastards even though some people claimed she looked like a live action Saturday Night Live skit.

I know both of you are knee-deep in your campaigns at the moment, but I feel like there's a slim chance you'll take some time out of your schedules to hear me out. I know, I know, I'm a part of the 47% of non-American, American voters that you simply don't give a damn about. I know I am a lazy piece of cow dung. I feel that I am entitled to food and health care and I personally don't feel like I should be held responsible for my own actions.

Today I actually walked outside and started stabbing little children in the arms with aids needles and blamed it on the government. I actually do this a few times a week while I'm jogging through Forest Park in St. Louis. Next week, I think I'll switch it up a bit and pass out loaded handguns at a daycare.

Everyone wants to scream and yell about gun control, so we're going to let our babies blow each others brains out and blame it on the government. You're my type of guy, Mitt, because you really do understand us. All black babies are on crack anyways so I'm doing them a favor. As Republicans we typically hate crack babies, but we're Pro Life because we'd rather see them live a life of pain than die as a unborn fetus.

It's all about taking responsibility for yourself and these crack babies will be born into the world and mostly need government assistance. When they receive the assistance we'll complain about them being on crack and being on government assistance at the same damn time. The easiest solution to this problem would probably be to give the mother free will over her own body and the ability to make her own decisions, but that limits our very own ability to play God and systematically create more people for the ghettos of American housing. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get yourself off crack you little machine gun toting crack smoking infant toddler.

I am on welfare, food stamps, section 8 and every other government assistance program possible. I have never worked a job in my life and I'm going to die this way. Joe Bidden said you're trying to put us back in chains.

Well I welcome these chains, Mitt, because just maybe this will make me do something constructive with my life. What greater joy has any minority known than working for a rich guy with offshore accounts?

Speaking of those off shore accounts I think it's marvelous that our next president will have such an in depth understanding of foreign policy. I dream of one day working night and day to make you even more millions than you have already made Mitt. Last night I actually cashed my welfare check and bought a month's supply of forty-ounce brewski's from the neighborhood liquor store. I also took a trip to the grocery store and met my neighborhood crack dealer in the parking lot. Instead of spending my food stamps on "food" I decided to buy a months supply of crack rock cocaine. I think you're a genius Mitt, some kind of way you predicted I would do this. Now I know the Democrats are often neglectful towards the poor. The democrats and republicans can be viewed as two different sides of the same coin according to some and on a minimum level I might agree. So does this mean I should roll over die and let you waltz your way into the White House Mitt? I think it does. My favorite rapper told me not to vote this year, and we all know black people love rap music.

So maybe I won't but if you ask me, I think you're the man for the job Mr. Romney. I think America (insert Tupac voice -- Ann Romney check out my new style) would be an even better America (You probably should copyright this word Ann, do it now before it's too late) with a guy that thinks Mexicans have it easy calling the shots. Mr. Romney, those damn Latino people have had it too easy in this country for far too long. Your ancestors probably couldn't tell the difference between the two races and probably assumed they all died with the Native Americans. We don't like Mexican food if it's not Taco Bell so tell them to fall back. Hell No!!! You can't freely relocate from Mexico to California -- Pedro I don't care if your ancestors owned it, the name of this game is "Pillage, Rape, and Conquest" and you are the loser bro.

I couldn't agree with you more, if you were a Latino female you certainly would've had the victory in the bag for this campaign six months ago. Rumor has it, you refuse to pay taxes on some of your hard earned-Chinese child labor-earned money. I think that's awesome. When you become President can I also have the same exact privilege? I want to put some Chinese people to work and make millions just like you, that's my dream. Taxes suck. I don't want to pay taxes either, and I think you're a brave and misunderstood soul for taking such a stance against the IRS.

Yes an individual can run for President of the United States and give jobs to non-United State citizens for the sake of tax incentives. Open your eyes people: don't be so blind to the way big business works.

Mitt I want to say thanks for investing in China. I think it's only right that you build factories in foreign countries we are economically at war with. I think it's the smartest thing a man of your stature can do. You see, when I was in the first grade I read the parable of the Trojan Horse.

Paying fewer taxes and exploiting workers to cut a few dollars is the American way. We're all going to sneak our way into their economy and get rich right under their Chinese noses!! They think they're having the last laugh but we're the ones cracking the whip telling them to get back to work, and cut the fricking rice breaks short.

You see, the Democrats thought they caught you red handed on candid camera admitting to outsourcing jobs, but I knew exactly what you were saying Mitt. You talked about how these folks were lined up for miles to get a job. I think you are a very admirable human for coming to the coastal shores of Asia and dropping Heavenly Manna in the form of jobs to these poor wretched souls.

I would love to name my firstborn son after you. I mean a young black boy named Mitt would carry the self-esteem of a bald eagle. Do you approve of this action? I surely hope so, and tell Paul Ryan to save a place at the diner table for me tonight. I read about how much he loves fried chicken and this right here is the prime reason I relate to him so much. He has wonderful taste in food. Fried chicken has kept black people alive since slavery days and surely he knows this. So once again I am reading between the lines and translating his words like I did yours. You said it yourself: your family once owned slaves so you know how it feels. I am rolling around the carpet in my underwear and fist pumping as I type this. I want a POTUS who understands the joy and pride attached to being a slave. You guys are the dream team of civil rights. I saw a news story about the bold way you protested in favor of the draft during Vietnam. I was amazed because even though you protested in favor of the draft you also discovered a clause that you chose to utilize, which prevented Mormons like yourself from going to the war.

So let's get this straight: You led a protest in favor of selecting innocent young men to go to war in one of America's (keyword I learned from Ann Romney) bloodiest wars, but you opted out and didn't go to war due to your religion.

I am smiling with glee as I type this, Mitt because once again these left wing psychopaths don't understand your style. They didn't know that you invented the science of time travel. So you invested some of your teenage heartthrob millions into a time machine and travelled to the future. When you arrived in the future you had a thorough conversation with a much older version of yourself. He said, "Young Mitt in the future I'm going to run for president. If you get drafted and die I'm screwed and the bad guys are going to rule the world."

So you did the responsible thing and returned to the past, and decided to literally rely on your Mormon faith to save the entire world. There are pictures of you vacationing on French beaches during the time frame of the same war you insisted other people should step forth and die in. Madonna and Justin Timberlake made a song in your honor Mitt and here it is...

People have accused you of being homophobic. I say these poor uneducated bastards need to get it right. You're not a homophobe, Mitt. You're just trying to save the gay people of our country the trouble of getting married since you realize 50 percent of all American (watch me cook Ann) marriages end with divorce. The video below is very misleading and somehow this guy got his feathers ruffled for nothing. He needs to relax learn how to read between the lines and thank you for caring so much about his personal life. I salute you Mr. Romney for caring so much about the gay's of the world that you refuse to let these people get married. You won't even entertain the possibility of the idea because like all superheroes you have the gift foresight. You even had the balls to tell an American war vet this same exact thing to his face. Who cares if he almost died in the war you dodged but advocated sending people the same exact age as yourself to fight and die in. You are trying to save the gays from themselves and that right there is more noble than anything I can think of. Mitt I think you're going to be the greatest POTUS ever in the eyes of gay people. I know you're going to use the info collected from the Mars Rover to ship all the gay people to Mars. Mitt Romney is planning on giving the gay people their very own planet. What more can you ask for? Okay, maybe that's a bit much I know it's not possible but it doesn't mean you haven't gave it some thought.

Maybe black people can be the ones responsible for doing the construction on this planet since your favorite word to reference whenever you bring us up in conversation is lazy. Never mind the fact that a black guy invented the traffic light or discovered the North Pole. I agree Mitt, we just don't contribute enough to society -- never have and never will so we need you to give us some long awaited and much needed direction. I think I'm going to move to China and get a job at one of those factories you own. I think we need more voter suppression. That's the only way our party is going to win. No one wants us to vote because they know Barry doesn't stand a chance if we do. I feel your pain Mitt life is hard when you got it made in the shade while sipping lemonade.

Now for the second half of this letter I'd like to direct my attention to Todd Akin. Mr. Akin I am a true fan of yours. I mean, the way you have studied the female anatomy and discovered its truest ability to shut down during sexual intercourse and somehow determine whether or not a woman is a true victim of legitimate rape is divine. You are the modern day Albert Einstein of the Republican party. Somehow you have discovered that the female body will take the sperm from a rapist and send out little microscopic ninjas armed with mortal kombat kitana blades to devour the sperm from the rapist before it reaches the eggs of the woman. If it's not legitimate rape then the microscopic ninja's remain sleep inside her body for another 1,000 years until they are summoned to battle the evil rapist sperm. Sir, Isaac Newton must be highly envious of your scientific in-depth knowledge. I mean, if I say I'm not sure if we actually went to the moon in the 60's I look like a maniac to some people. But you, my friend, stumbled upon a very tactful way of breaking down this scientific theory of the fallopian tube ninja's to a country of high school drops and made it make sense. Rush Limbaugh claims you are the right wings equivalent to the late great Martin Luther King Jr. combined with the poise of the majestic Elvis Presley and the scientific mind of Copernicus. I also admire your desire to abolish minimum wage. You've also voted against the sex offender registry.

I understand exactly why a brilliant man of your stature would do such a thing. Those damn microscopic ninja's are the blame once again. If we make all the sex offenders register their names on public document, these ninjas won't have any evil rapist sperm to battle. You've also compared student loans to stage 3 cancer. Pure genius, if you ask me. You've voted against the fair pay act because we all know every woman alive is the enemy of the Earth. Claire McCaskill more than likely is afraid to admit to the world that she has microscopic ninja's hiding inside her vagina. We can't see them with the naked eye but we know they are there!!

You are a true American (cue MC Hammer's "Can't Touch This," Ann, because I am on a roll) and a scholar of modern science. I wonder what happens if one of these microscopic ninja's slices a woman's fallopian tubes. I don't have the answers to this question, Todd but I'm sure you do. I notice in your television commercials you're always using farmland as the backdrop.

This makes sense to me because I heard today on CNN that you believe bestiality is legal. So I know you're on these random rural Missouri farms searching for lonely farmers that are abusing our gorgeous farm animals. Make no mistake about it not one single farmer will be permitted to have sex with a goat while Todd Akin on the prowl. You remind me of the president of Iran, because you two gentlemen are true visionaries. Somehow you live in a world no one else does and I have found myself marveling at the beauty of your genius. You are the shining light of the Republican party and we believe in you Todd. These women are hiding microscopic ninja's in their vagina's and these farmers are all knocking boots with sheep when we aren't looking. You my friend are a true visionary. The media accused you of declaring war on women.

These fools didn't realize you are battling much more than the human eye can detect. Farmer's are knocking boots with roosters behind their wives backs.

These same farmers are spreading sexually transmitted diseases inherited from animal sex to their rural Missourian wives. How can these people betray America's (crank that Souljah and watch me Yule Ann!!!) animals like this? These damn invisible ninjas building army's inside the vaginal creases our women have got to go!! The media has chose to call you crazy because Jim Bob is knocking boots with the pigs and you have the guts to talk about it. We are at war sir, and I am asking you to continue the good fight for the sake of Missouri's commonwealth and peaceful tranquility of our women as we all work to rid our country of these microscopic vagina ninjas. Mitt Romney will get in office and make sure these things all have green cards. There is nothing worst than a bunch illegal immigrant invisible ninja's fighting rapist sperm cells without the permission of the U.S. government. We must do this for the sake of America (...).

Sincerely, Tef Poe


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