Five Aborted Prequels To Kevin J. Anderson's Rush Novelization

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People are going to think I'm making fun of this, and what I'd like to make clear in this disclaimer is that I'm not making fun of this: Kevin J. Anderson, noted author of a bunch of Star Wars expanded-universe stuff I read in high school, is going to create a novelization of -- and this is the part of this sentence that is news -- a Rush album.

In a young man's quest to follow his dreams, he is caught between the grandiose forces of order and chaos. He travels across a lavish and colorful world of steampunk and alchemy, with lost cities, pirates, anarchists, exotic carnivals, and a rigid Watchmaker who imposes precision on every aspect of daily life.

If you read that excerpt without moving your lips, an indeterminate Rush song will begin playing in your head. The only sad part about this news is that 60 years of rock and roll albums have been wasted without novelizations of their own. After the jump: Five suggestions for future sci-fi novelizing, complete with pre-made back-cover-copy.

1. Adele -- 21 Princess Adele of Alderaan thought she had everything, until her planet was destroyed as a show of capricious power by the Death Star. Then she had even more than everything!

When the space-junk that was Alderaan proves incredibly rich in Empathium, an unobtainable element in the craggy, dried-out Celebrity system, Adele is made rich beyond her wildest imagination. But it's still super sad, guys.

2. Kanye West -- Graduation Holy crap! You have no idea how cool and twisted the main character of this story is!! Kan'Ye, the super-hot protagonist of this novel, is just about the hottest, most talented, coolest guy in all of space.

Sure, he's got problems -- sometimes he's too hot and his space-women leave him! Other space-people can't quite deal with his rapid rise to the upper ranks of the Space Academy! And he's still kind of pissed that Jay'Z won't e-mail him back about his awesome idea for a Sci-Fi novel! 3. Bruce Springsteen -- Born to Run On a planet people make fun of sometimes for not being as chic as a nearby planet, adolescents of a strange, lower-middle-class species have become afflicted with an unbearable urge to flee their ancestral homes in dramatic ways and go to some as-yet-unknown second place.

No human's ever discovered what lies at the end of the Thunder Road. But with the help of a bombastic team of mercenaries from the E sector, Br'uce is about to find out. Or at least write ten more songs about going down it.

4. Weezer -- Weezer (Green Album) A guy is doing a thing in space, and he's doing it for about two minutes, and then a bad guy comes in, but he takes the bad guy out in a climax that seems really familiar from back around the inciting moment, and this happens like eight or ten times, and there's space stuff in it. Like, stars, maybe, put some of those in, yeah.

5. The Beach Boys -- Pet Sounds In an impossibly lush world where people move even more slowly than you remembered them moving the last time you turned on that world, the spacemen of the freighter John B are the last contingent of close-harmonizers who stand between their world and the terrifying "Pet Sounds," a weaponized set of chords that doom their every unlucky listener to madness.

Will they be able to find the Crown Prince Bri'n Willsyn in time and inform him of the horrors awaiting his planet?

God only knows.

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