by Ryan Wasoba
One problem with Kings Go Forth, performing tomorrow evening at the Firebird (2706 Olive Street, 314-535-0353): The band's hardline, genuine funk is a rarity in modern times, and citizens of 2011 may not be physically prepared for the booty shaking demands. Shape up for the Kings Go Forth show by following this funk-aerobic workout regimen:
Reach Down, Touch Yo'self. Bend at the waist and aim for the toes. Hold this pose for the length of one drum solo. This is a warm up, so don't push too hard. Touching the floor is not necessary, especially if wearing George Clinton platform boots.
Run The Voodoo Down. Get your blood pumping with a lap or two around the block. "One Day" by Kings Go Forth is perfect jogging tempo, but spinning the track tomorrow would break the age old rule against listening to an artist the day of its show. Imagine you are KGF frontman Black Wolf being chased by your nine bandmates.
Funk-Ups. Squares call this exercise "push-ups". Keep your booty low for optimal angle. If you run into difficulty, raise your upper body with a stack of Sly & The Family Stone LPs.
Jerry Curls. Grip a bottle of any type of oil (olive, hemp, motor, etc.). Hold at waist level and raise to shoulders. Repeat until roof catches on fire. Water not necessary, let the motha funker burn.
Get Up (Get On Up). This extreme cardio begins in standard sit-up position and ends on feet with hands up, spirit fingers optional.
Get Down (Get On Down). Repeat step five in reverse, then loop it like a break beat. Remember: You've gotta get up to get down.
Four On The Floor. With hands and feet on the ground (think Twister), raise your rump and slowly get down with yo bad self. Also known in funk-yoga circles as the Downward Facing Atomic Dog.
Simmer Down Now. Walk like a bass line in a slow jam, breathing calmly and frequently checking pulse. Sync up "I Feel Good" by James Brown on your iPod, because you have the right to celebrate. You have taken your first step away from pulling a muscle at the Kings Go Forth show. Congratulations!