by Dan Moore
Those of you waiting for Year of the Dog... Again... Again need wait no longer: DMX has been released from his latest stint in prison, which I think I'm supposed to call the dog pound? I'm not sure; the RFT hasn't got the 2011 edition of the DMX Style Guide.
In any case, he's out after serving seven months for violating his parole; in the past he's been caught out on various drug charges, reckless driving, animal cruelty, and, most worryingly, failing to notify the DMV of an address change. It's not quite the rap sheet I expect from DMX, aside from that address thing. Here, for instance, are five crimes to which he confesses in "Bring Your Whole Crew," his magnum opus.
1. First Degree Murder. I suppose that all of the murders he describes in "Bring Your Whole Crew" are unpremeditated, but taken together Jack McCoy could probably sway a jury. That he "has blood on [his] hands and there's no remorse" isn't going to look good when it comes time for sentencing.
Admitted into evidence: "Who shot you / oh [adult male] like you don't know"; "Think that you could blow me / well I'ma let this trigger do you, homie." The people plan to argue that we're to believe the [adult male] actually did know, and that DMX was being facetious, because it was in fact he, DMX, who shot him.
2. Desecration of a Corpse. They caught him red, uh, dogged? Does he call that a dog, too? Anyway, in the second line of the song DMX admits to having blood on his dick because he "fucked a corpse."
He might be able to plead to a lesser charge on this one, because he's so forthcoming with the evidence and remorseful enough to call himself a "nasty [adult male]."
3. Practicing medicine without a license. DMX shows a libertarian's disdain for licensing bodies throughout "Bring Your Whole Crew," performing surgery from outside the auspices of the AMA while also practicing cosmetology, interior design, and homebuilding without the approval of the relevant regulatory bodies. The Missouri Division of Professional Regulation wouldn't stand for his callous disregard of professional standards, but on the mean streets unlicensed interior decoration is just part of growing up.
Admitted into evidence: "Red dot on your chest opens up your ribcage"; "We'll have witnesses seein' what the surgeon sees / how far you gonna get with your dome split fool?"; "I... will take apart a door / I paint the walls with his blood, another dick in the mud."
4. Treason. At one point DMX boasts of "enough crazy [adult males] behind" him "to start a war"; later he calls said males "the crips of war." This sounds like a private army to me, and since I just watched Order of the Phoenix last week on blu-ray I can confirm that massing an army against the Ministry of--America? That American government thing, with the Presidents and all that--constitutes treason.
5. Multiple violations of the Americans with Disabilities Act. The ADA states that rappers purporting to murder, defile, plot against, and remodel their haters must offer alternative avenues of warning for deaf haters, even the ones who "[is bitches] and have always been [bitches] / and you know how [adult males] do a bitch [they] run up in a bitch." I'm not even going to get into his violations of the Bitches with Disabilities Act, which are too numerous to mention.
Admitted into evidence: "But they don't hear me, though / But they don't hear me, though / [because they are deaf, and I don't care to accommodate that disability]."
I'll be honest: None of this looks good for DMX, speaking in my capacity as the author of the unproduced sci-fi screenplay Like The World Now, Only Songs Can Be Admitted Into Evidence. But it would be much more in keeping with his image than another reckless driving beef.