by Dan Moore
Blink-182 has a new song coming out, "Up All Night," and for fans of the band from the early aughts this is nothing so much as an eerie reminder that they probably bought "What's My Age Again?" on a cassingle inside a Tower Records while complaining about a big 98 Degrees display and, I don't know, voting for John McCain in the Republican primary. We're old now, is where I'm going with this.
In any case, since rock hasn't produced a marketable artist in the last five years, white twentysomething males and the major labels that no longer have any idea where they went are very excited about the song and the new album, which is called Neighborhoods. If fans of earlier albums like Enema of the State and Take Off Your Pants and Masturbate are disappointed by the title, which is not a pun about anyone's genitals--at least not yet--I have a solution. Choose your favorite age-related illness or device from the following list and paste it over the front of your "What's My Age Again?" cassingle. Then dub "Up All Night" onto a cassette.
|Medical Term||Poetic Device||Subject|
|Dementia||Free Space [Masturbation]||Girlfriend|
|Cellulite||Euphemism||Masturbation [with girlfriend]|
|Osteoporosis||Idiom||Masturbation [while pooping]|
For instance: Enema of the State fans might find a pleasant resonance in catheter-old joke-girlfriend, or, Catheter? Damn Near Killed Her!! The viral cross-promotional opportunities with Liberator Medical Supplies are nearly endless, although Liberator probably doesn't want to be associated with the word "viral." Blink's next comeback, 20 years from now, might be better served by osteoporosis-idiom-masturbation, or Brittle Boner Disease.
While we cassingle-owners wait for the next hilarious titular Blink-182 pun (note to self: Consider renaming album Titular Blink-182 Pun, with, like, some tits on it) to wow us when we hear about it from a paper magazine that we bought in a store that sold physical copies of books and magazines while something something Playstation One Aaron Carter and cell phones with "Snake" on them it's 1999, the band has decided to move on from its immensely self-gratifying persona.
I can't blame them; Neighborhoods isn't the most evocative title you'll hear in 2011, but at least this generation's 13-year-old boys won't have to hide it from their moms.