Weezer's Six Greatest Shark-Jumps



Oh, Weezer. Why would you name your upcoming album Hurley, and feature the namesake Lost character on the cover? Have you run out of colors? Or is this just the next in your trend piggy-backing, like last year's "I Can Haz Cheezburger"-inspired cover for Raditude?

There was a time when your music was relevant, but for the past few years any importance has been overshadowed by shenanigans. Shall we illustrate?

2001: Mikey Welsh's disappearance.

Okay, Weezer, you didn't have much control over a bass player having a nervous breakdown and vanishing a few days after this 2001 "Tonight Show" performance.

Luckily Welsh was found, got treatment for his drug addiction and mental illnesses and is now focusing on painting. But in light of previous Weezer bassist Matt Sharp leaving the band in 1998 and later suing for unpaid royalties, for a bit it seemed like Weezer bassists might have a lot in common with Spinal Tap drummers.

Speaking of "Island in the Sun," did you really have to license it to Beaches Family Resorts for their commercials?

Even though you didn't do the performance, how can we know that there's not a tranny brothel somewhere in the world using "Hash Pipe" in their ads?

You did okay during Maladroit, although that cute video with the Muppets might have been pushing it a little. But then you returned with the ultimate in shark-jumping: the video shot at the Playboy Mansion.

Ironic to see hipsters frolicking in the grotto? Sure. But Hef and bunnies always trump irony.

And then there's "the red album" cut "Pork and Beans," a song that examines how hard it is to be facing middle age and still coping with the "why won't they just let me be who I am?" angst after nearly two decades. Doing so while borrowing bits from all the hottest Internet memes of 2008? Well Rivers, you're almost forty. You're going to do the things that you want to do.

By "Can't Stop Partying," from last year's Raditude, it's hard to tell if you're being ironic or for real, since it's been non-stop irony since 2005. We expect that from you, so it's excusable. But what's sad? This is the first time in your sixteen-year career, you allowed the word "fuck" into one of your songs.

You let Lil' Wayne utter it, but for shame. You guys are dads, for criminey's sake.

Perhaps you've accepted that some members of your aging audience from the '90s have grown weary of the irony, the stunts and waiting for bassist Scott Shriner to leave in a fiery blaze, because that's what happens to Weezer bassists, right? At least you're being prudent by presenting yourself to younger listeners. Like kids at the U.S. Open of Surfing. Teach them how we used to do it before emo, before overdosing on irony, back when whining about being different meant something, dammit.

Or, you can ingratiate yourself to the hipster kids by covering MGMT, and the pop kids by doing a little Lady Gaga.

Pull this thread as we walk away.

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