(Welcome to a recurring feature on A to Z: The Craiglist Musician Post of the Week. Associates and friends keep sending me links to funny and/or bizarre listings -- ones that deserve to be shared with the world.)
I imagine this one's gonna be taken down, stat, because it's a doozy. And clearly written by someone in a local band who's, um, a tad bit frustrated with the local music scene. The ad "Band willing to be the lowest common denominator" begins:
Hello. I'm in a band that is looking to play the same tired clubs as everyone else in front of the same 30 people because no one, from musicians to promoters, can be arsed to promote a show around here. What makes us different, you ask? We are willing to sell our souls to play at YOUR venue. That's right. We will literally sign a contract giving you our souls all for the joy of playing your run down hole-in-the-wall while your sound man glowers at us and cuts our set short by 15 minutes and the crowd the other bands bring leaves before our first song and the other bands use our set as a convenient time to load out.
And then, a few sentences later:
Actually, I'll tell you what. These are desperate times, what with all the other local bands bending over backwards to be the lowest common denominator. First, they'd play for not much money. Then for free. Then they'd pay to play. Well, desperate times call for desperate measures.
What are these (NSFW) desperate measures, you ask?
I will let you fuck me in the ass. Literally.
How literally? Very, judging by the graphic descriptions. But never fear! Said band is equal-opportunity:
This offer is valid to any of the 80+ St. Louis area venues. Men OR women (provided you have a strap on; if not, I will buy you a strap on with my own money so you can fuck my poop chute). Please. We're desperate. We have no talent, no friends and no backbone to stick up for ourselves and demand reasonable compensation for our time so the only way for us to get shows is to undercut the other bands by playing for even less than they do.
Wow. Brutal satire.