Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson are playing a sold-out show at the Family Arena tonight. Aww. To ease your pain, Kristyn Pomranz had a wacky thought: What if the tour played out like an episode of the sitcom, Reba? Hilarity, of course, ensues.
INT. REBA’S LIVING ROOM
VAN is playing guitar poorly.
CHEYENNE enters through front door.
CHEYENNE Where’d you get that guitar?
VAN I just found it in the trash!
CHEYENNE You found a guitar in the trash?
VAN The trash, your mom’s bed, what’s the difference?
REBA enters from kitchen.
REBA Van, what are you doin’ with my guitar?
VAN I’m learnin’ a lullaby to play for Elizabeth.
REBA I didn’t know babies liked St. Anger.
REBA snatches guitar away from VAN.
REBA Gimme that!
(Click after the jump to continue....)
VAN What’s your guitar doing out anyway?
REBA I’m going on the "2 Worlds 2 Voices" tour with Kelly Clarkson.
VAN Kelly Clarkson?! I love the Today Show!
REBA What? No, she won American Idol.
VAN That 800-pound black guy?
CHEYENNE No babe. She won the first season. You liked her ass.
VAN Ohh, I remember her now. Nice, Mrs. H.!
BARBRA JEAN enters through front door.
BARBRA JEAN Hey guys!
BARBRA JEAN Whatcha doin’? Oooh, a guitar! I just love to be musical!
BARBRA JEAN grabs guitar and starts tunelessly strumming while singing Chaka Khan’s “I Feel For You.”
VAN Reba’s goin’ on tour with Kelly Clarkson.
BARBRA JEAN What?!
BARBRA JEAN (CONT.) I wanna gooooo!
REBA Barbra Jean, you can’t go. It’s only for professional musicians.
BARBRA JEAN Did you not just hear my Chaka Khan?
BARBRA JEAN starts singing again.
VAN C’mon, Mrs. H., let Barbra Jean go on tour with you!
REBA Not just anybody can star in a fifteen-city arena tour.
VAN But her Chaka Khan is impeccable!
REBA This isn’t a joke, Van, it’s a serious musical endeavor.
CHEYENNE Maybe you should let her be the opener. Y’know, she could warm up the crowd.
REBA I don’t think so—
BARBRA JEAN (cutting her off) I can be funny! Listen to this: Knock knock!
VAN Who’s there?
BARBRA JEAN Boo.
VAN Boo who?
BARBRA JEAN Aw, don’t cry, it’s just a joke!
BARBRA JEAN, VAN, and CHEYENNE crack up. REBA is stone-faced.
BARBRA JEAN C’mon, Reba! I’ll slay ‘em!
KELLY CLARKSON enters through front door. Audience goes wild.
KELLY CLARKSON Hey, Reba! Ready to go on tour?
REBA Yes ma’am! Let’s –
BARBRA JEAN Kelly Clarkson! Kelly Clarkson! Can I be the opening comedian?
REBA Barbra –
BARBRA JEAN Knock knock!
KELLY CLARKSON Who’s there?
BARBRA JEAN Norma Lee.
KELLY CLARKSON Norma Lee who?
BARBRA JEAN Norma Lee I’m not so pushy, but please lemme tour with you!
KELLY CLARKSON cracks up.
KELLY CLARKSON Oh man that’s good stuff. You should totally be our opener.
The 2 Worlds 2 Voices tour, starring Reba McEntire and Kelly Clarkson, featuring opener Barbra Jean, I mean, Melissa Peterman, is Thursday, February 7 at 7:30 at St. Charles’ Family Arena.
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