Open letter to the thief who stole “Hammy”
Sunday, March 21st at 10:48 am, Hammy was taken from his home, and his job. I am the person who made him what he had become- the cutest and happiest covid-restriction sign on the planet (as far as I know, anyway). I was very proud of him, and yesterday morning some drunk ding-dongs (who I had even talked to for a moment) thought that it would be hilarious to steal him from us, when no one was looking. I saw the whole thing on camera after the fact. The incident ruined my whole day. I thought of how the man probably lived in a house full of cats and cardboard cut-outs, and thought that this would look great next to his Elvis, or Danny Devito standee, but then I decided that probably wasn’t the case. For a second, I kinda felt flattered, thinking that he took it because he loved the message and the lettering- but I quickly dismissed that thought. A person who steals so shamelessly has no eye for fine art. I am sure it was just the novelty of being drunk in a crowded bar and stealing something so large and silly, when no one was looking. I know that the novelty probably wore off pretty quickly, once the thieves got it home and realized that it really meant nothing to them- just the thrill of taking it. I hope that it brings them a little shame every time they look at poor Hammy. By now Hammy is probably torn, bent, broken, with beer spilled all over him, and maybe a little cat vomit, or even *gasp* already thrown in the dumpster. C’mon, dudes. You had your thrill. Bring him back.
If you know anything about Hammy’s whereabouts, please let us know. I have asked for another Hamm’s Bear, but already know that there really was only one Hammy.
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