In the lead-up to this past weekend's Grammy Awards, Gut Check received a press release announcing singer Chaka Khan's new line of chocolates and candles, which were released in the Grammy "gift lounge" this past Thursday. The singer sure had fun naming these new products. The chocolates are called Chakalates, the candles branded Khana Sutra.
And that got Gut Check to thinking: Why the hell didn't someone think of this sooner?
Also: There must be some St. Louis celebs who are long overdue for their own candy, complete with punny product names.
Here are fourteen candidates who might consider taking the hint.
It's nearly Valentine's Day, fer crying out loud! (Just sayin'.)
John Goodman & Plenty Can anyone really get enough of Affton-born thespian John Goodman? Certainly not citizens of his hometown, and if his lengthy Hollywood résumé is any indicator, not citizens of the world, either. Enter John Goodman & Plenty, a licorice-flavored treat that offers a lot to love.
Chuck's Berries OK, so this one's low-hanging fruit, but by the same token, Chuck and his people should be all over it.
Jackie Joyner-Kersee's Kisses Kersee's Kisses achieve two goals: They make chocolate the food of an Olympic medalist, which would make Gut Check feel a lot better about eating an entire bag of 'em. Also, that's a solid rhyme. That's way better than "Chakalates"!
Gummi Berras Disclaimer: Gummi Berras packaging will haunt your dreams. But if you can look past the poorly PhotoShopped, Frankenstein-monstered visage of Yogi Berra, you'll love the fruity flavor of Gummi Berras!
Joe Edwards' Blueberry Pills Admit it: Fats Domino's original lyric is kinda goofy. "I found my thrill on blueberry pills" makes a whole lot more 21st-century sense. And it's not as if this would be the first candy produced to resemble a legal addictive substance.
Jon Hamm's Eye Candy Happy Valentine's Day, citizens of the world! A possible runner-up to Jon Hamm's Eye Candy could be Candied Hamm -- but our favorite hunk should save that name for a savory dish. Our creative vision sees a more sinfully sweet treat.
Jenna's Swedish Fischer There's no way Jenna Fischer wasn't making this list. Lucky for Gut Check, Fischer's last name offers a rather obvious candy conclusion in Jenna's Swedish Fischer. Who knows? It might even spawn a companion Jenna's Swedish Fischer vodka brand, if executed properly.
Albert Pujols' Payday These candy bars taste very good but cost $254 million. Unfortunately we're really only prepared to pay $210 million. C'est la vie.
Todd Akin's Legitimate Peeps They were only briefly relevant this past year, and even then: barf.
Charles Lindbergh's Spirit of St. Chew-Us Saltwater Taffy Well, Charles Lindbergh and saltwater taffy are both products of America, nostalgia-inducing for old people and best when near an ocean. So. Sure.
Lindbergh's Baby Ruth If the taffy tanks, there's always Lindbergh's Baby Ruth. We even thought of a catchy slogan: "So good, everyone will want to steal it from you!" Harry Caramello We all know the moon isn't made of Harry Caramello. But what if it were made of Harry Caramello? Would you eat it then? We know we would. Heck we'd have seconds. Then polish it off with a tall, icy Budweiser. We would do it. Would you? It's a simple question, doctor. Would you eat the moon if it were made of Harry Caramello? It's not rocket science. Just say yes and we'll move on.
Nelly's Boo-Boo Licks Edible Candy Bandages Wince all you like, but Boo-Boo Licks Edible Candy Bandages are a real thing. Just imagine if former Band-Aid brandishing rapper Nelly got onboard as a spokesperson. The kids, they'd go wild!
Karlie Kloss' Candy Kloss This can be added to the list of candies resembling non-edibles that shouldn't be consumed -- we've already got Joe Edwards' Blueberry Pills and Nelly's Boo-Boo Licks Edible Candy Bandages. For Karlie Kloss' Candy Kloss we see a chalky candy lipstick in the style of the retro treat we remember tasting like SweeTARTS.
Mike & Ike & Tina Who's Mike? Who cares? We'd happily roll on any river with Mike & Ike & Tina as our guides.