Remember a few weeks ago when we showed you the book trailer for Fifty Shades of Chicken, the new cookbook inspired by this summer's "literary" sensation that really puts the "porn" in "food porn"? Of course you do! Gut Check is by no means the world's most expert chicken-trusser, but after seeing that video, the process has been so indelibly printed on our consciousness, we're sure the voice of Patrick Stewart (or his soundalike) will always be there to guide us any time we're confronted with a raw chicken and a length of kitchen twine.
A few days after we discovered the book trailer, a copy of the book itself came winging its way to us from the publisher. Oh, the ecstasy, the complete abandon we felt when we finally got a chance to finger its glossy pages!
In between the recipes for Mustard-Spanked Chicken and Dripping Thighs, we follow the journey of Miss Hen from plastic-packaged refrigerated innocence to hot, juicy experience at the hands of Mr. Blades, an enigmatic, devastatingly sexy chef with perfect abs, a Sub-Zero refrigerator and a collection of 50 knives whose chilly, exacting demeanor hides a lifetime of pain inflicted upon him by a childhood spent in the care of a television kitchen dominatrix named Julia.
"You know, I could find a use for you in this menu," he says suddenly. "The preparations would be minimal enough for a novice, with relatively uncomplicated flavor profiles."
Is he considering me for an entree?
"Oh, thank you, but I don't think I'm up to scratch."
"Isn't it obvious?" I'm underweight, graceless, and wrapped in cheap plastic.
"Not to me. I suspect you have great potential. You seem so versatile." His gaze is intense, and I feel a strange pull low down in my body.
God, this whole Fifty Shades thing makes so much more sense as a relationship between a chef and a chicken!
All this, dear readers, can be yours -- if you can tell us, in the comments, your nominee for the most suggestive-sounding food or food preparation. Include your e-mail address so we can let you know if you've won.
Get out your twine and all your favorite kitchen toys and let the fun begin.
Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club
Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.
Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.
Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.