Last year we descended upon Spirit Halloween (301 Costco Way, St. Peters; 636-279-1054) in search of eight tasty food costumes because, duh, we love food. This year, while scouring our in-store and online options, we noticed an unsettling trend: Sexy food costumes are beginning to outnumber our beloved unflattering, unisex food costumes. Sexy banana, sexy tater tot, sexy sriracha bottle, sexy Chinese-takeout box — these and many more threaten our ability to stomach food-themed Halloween costumes.
In the interest of vision, we've rounded up fifteen egregious get-ups that should never see the light of day — or dark of Halloween night.
Dressing as a Sriracha bottle for Halloween in 2012 is like dressing as the Joker for Halloween in 2008: Everyone gets it, and we're all rolling our eyes. That said, a more clever Sriracha send-up would be wearing an actual sriracha bottle costume, with the green dispenser cap fashioned into a hat and all. By comparison a red tank-top dress with a screen-printed sriracha label is just lazy.
According to Yandy.com: "Sexy Hamburger costume is a three piece set that features a shirred tube style dress with hamburger topping details..." Sure, the costume incorporates the traditional hamburgers extras, with frilly lettuce fringes, tomato-slice print fabric and a weird "squirt" of yellow mustard stacked with brown lace at the center — which is supposed to be the burger patty — and wedged between two absurdly large buns. Extra authenticity is even sprinkled across the tube dress bodice in the form of "sesame seeds," and yet, for the first time ever, we find ourselves cringing at a hamburger. The website's "Gene's Burger Costume," a silly, imposing, giant hamburger that hangs awkwardly from the model like an over-sized sandwich board, is much more our speed.
Hot Chinese Takeout
"I love Chinese takeout boxes so much I wish I could be one," is not something we've ever thought, but apparently someone has. As with sexy hamburger, hot Chinese-takeout costume has a chunkier, male-modeled equivalent Chinese-takeout carton costume that is less funny but more true-to-life than the female-modeled version.
The detail and, dare we say it, creativity of this costume win it some points: the fortune cookie headband, the meta Chinese-takeout box purse and the shape of the dress cutouts that slightly resemble the contours of a takeout box aren't lost on Gut Check. But "Enjoy" shamelessly scrawled across the boobs, "Thank You" across the crotch and "Take Me Out" across the back reminds us to roll our eyes, and then maybe stick chopsticks through them.
"Buttery Babe" Popcorn
When pressed to imagine dressing as popcorn, the first image that comes to Gut Check's mind is the anthropomorphized "Let's All Go to the Lobby" movie snacks. A costume with popcorn boobs that says "Butter Me Up," doesn't, and there isn't enough brain bleach to erase the image. The "Buttery Babe" popcorn costume is closer to a retro cigarette/candy girl costume, which exists in a much truer form, thanks to Spirit Halloween and Playboy.
At first glance we wondered why this costume comes with Wilma Flintstone's necklace, but on closer inspection we realized the necklace is strung-together ping pong balls that say "I Heart Beer." Clever. Less clever, though, is the weird red-latex body-con dress that says "Beer Pong: Don't Forget to Wash Your Balls" over the crotch. We assume the dress is red because, um, red Solo cups? But that feels like a really generous leap. Also, this model is apparently unaware that beer pong and metal horns have nothing to do with one another. Party!
Miss Tater Tot
It's really knock-off sexy Mrs. Potato Head. Or maybe it's supposed to be her and Mr. Potato Head's daughter. But if svelte Miss Tater Tot is masquerading as either, she's really missing the mark, because if there's one thing the Potato Head family isn't known for, it's being sexy. Tater tots are one of Gut Check's favorite food groups, which makes Miss Tater Tot that much more offensive. The costume also leaves far too much to the imagination: Is Miss Tater Tot's back door as roomy as her parents'?
A literal piece of meat! Bacon costumes are a dime a dozen, but this "sexy" one channels Lady Gaga's meat dress more than breakfast, making for less sultry and more...statement? Dressing like Lady Gaga is boring, but the bacon dress might appeal to animal-rights activists, or, alternatively, to people who think bacon is an essential ingredient in every meal. For our part, we still prefer food costumes to look like cartoons, especially if the alternative is animal flesh.
"I'll Make Your Banana Stand"
Gob Bluth proves the unisex Banana Grabber costume is sexier than a yellow zipper-front dress ever could be. This is also the most yawn-worthy of all the awful sexy food costumes, as it, more than all the others, reflects its food item the least. This is just a yellow dress. Christina Aguilera wore the catsuit equivalent of this dress in her "Come on Over (All I Want is You)" video. This is no more a sexy banana dress than that was a sexy banana catsuit. You can't just wear revealing yellow clothing and call yourself a banana. If we wear a red shirt on Halloween and say we're beer pong, that's just giving up — though we'll probably be drunk-mess enough to pull it off.
Sexy food costumes really own making bodices and boobs look like food. In fact, if this dirty-martini costume didn't sprout green olive boobs with pimento nipples — or that weird "GET IT GUYS?!?" green olive patch that says "Dirty Martini" — this dress could have some potential. Its upside-down cocktail glass skirt shape and shimmery silver latex fabric conjure a futuristic feel...space slut, maybe. We're a lot more interested in the potential of that costume, but dressing as a cocktail with the drink name slapped on the side rings of sad, and desperate.
Technically this is not a Hostess cupcake, but a knockoff that knows no shame. Because you are what you eat, when what you eat is crap like knockoff Hostess cupcakes. Surprisingly, it's one of the more modest food costumes, but it misses the mark because it's so....brown, boring, blah. When cupcake costumes come in bright, vibrant colors, why opt for the modest, mass-produced drone of the cupcake world?
Hot Cherry Pie
First thought: This costume looks nothing like a cherry pie.
Second thought: The hat gets points for creativity. The costume's designer has, as betrays initial impressions, seen a cherry pie before.
Party City's "Adult Snack Girl Sexy Hot Dog Costume" looks a lot like the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile. Like that might not be a human model, but a Polly Pocket doll with an Oscar Meyer Weinermobile whistle wedged between her head and legs. If that sounds like a crazy thing to say, we submit it's because we stared at this costume for too long. That mustard drizzle is already haunting our dreams.
If looks could cereal kill, are we right? This isn't just a sexy food costume. It's also a bloody murderer costume, all rolled into a box of Kelly's crunchy flakes. The bottom line, though, is that the cheap laugh this punny costume elicits isn't worth the assault it launches on cereal. It's that '90s MTV commercial all over again. When will our long national war on cereal end?
Sexy Corn Cobb
The word is cornpone, you guys. There's an "e," no "r" and it's one word.
Every year, American Apparel throws together a collection of barely there, barely legitimate "Halloween costume ideas" to hawk their wares — one of the costumes this year is "Hi-Liter," which pairs shiny fluorescent-colored leggings with a matching fluorescent-colored, mid-drift-exposing tank top.
While that's most certainly not a thing, it's American Apparel's "Pizza" costume that is silliest. The only clothing suggested for "Pizza" are its "Chiffon A-Line Maxi Dress" and "Suede Mary Jane Shoe," which means the rest of the costume is up to you and colored construction paper! That is, if you can afford construction paper/life after spending $160, which is how much those two measly American Apparel products total in price.
See also: Missouri's Been Googling Some Really Lame Halloween Costumes