Ten U.S. Presidents Who Could Be Mistaken for Boutique Bourbons (With Tasting Notes)


Single-batch, barrel-aged.
  • Single-batch, barrel-aged.

It's Presidents Day, and Gut Check is stuck behind the desk here at the International Headquarters, shaking our fists at all the lucky sons of bitches who have the day off.

Just kidding. We're stuck behind the desk at International Headquarters, drinking ourselves blind. Which is how we got to thinking:

Damn, our 44 presidents have had some sweet names.

(However you feel about Barack Obama as a politician, he at least has restored the tradition of awesomely monikered commanders in chief after the Bush-Clinton-Bush trifecta of meh.)

And then, after drinking a little more, we had a profound revelation:

Quite a few of our former POTUSes (POTI?) -- especially the more forgettable chaps from the 19th century -- have names like expensive, hard-to-find boutique bourbons.

This is not to be confused with former presidents with names that sound like variations on the martini (the Calvin Coolidge) or sex acts that no one has ever tried (the Warren G. Harding).

After the jump, the official Gut Check ranking of the ten former U.S. presidents who could be mistaken for boutique bourbons, with tasting notes.

All tasting notes are taken from the official White House website.

10. James Buchanan

Tasting notes: tall, stately, stiffly formal.

9. James Garfield

Tasting notes: a measure of prestige, [but] mortally wounded.

8. James K. Polk

Tasting notes: studious and industrious, the last of the Jacksonians.

7. Millard Fillmore

Tasting notes: methodical industry and some competence; uninspiring.

6. Franklin Pierce

Tasting notes: a true "dark horse"; grief stricken...nervously exhausted.

5. Chester A. Arthur

Tasting notes: dignified, tall, and handsome; suffering from a fatal kidney disease.

4. Grover Cleveland

Tasting notes: single-minded concentration.

3. William Henry Harrison

Tasting notes: a simple frontier Indian fighter.

2. Rutherford B. Hayes

Tasting notes: dignity, honesty, and moderate reform.

1. Martin Van Buren

Tasting notes: trim and erect; impeccable appearance.

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.