by Ian Froeb
It's Presidents Day, and Gut Check is stuck behind the desk here at the International Headquarters, shaking our fists at all the lucky sons of bitches who have the day off.
Just kidding. We're stuck behind the desk at International Headquarters, drinking ourselves blind. Which is how we got to thinking:
Damn, our 44 presidents have had some sweet names.
(However you feel about Barack Obama as a politician, he at least has restored the tradition of awesomely monikered commanders in chief after the Bush-Clinton-Bush trifecta of meh.)
And then, after drinking a little more, we had a profound revelation:
Quite a few of our former POTUSes (POTI?) -- especially the more forgettable chaps from the 19th century -- have names like expensive, hard-to-find boutique bourbons.
This is not to be confused with former presidents with names that sound like variations on the martini (the Calvin Coolidge) or sex acts that no one has ever tried (the Warren G. Harding).
After the jump, the official Gut Check ranking of the ten former U.S. presidents who could be mistaken for boutique bourbons, with tasting notes.
All tasting notes are taken from the official White House website.
10. James Buchanan
Tasting notes: tall, stately, stiffly formal.
9. James Garfield
Tasting notes: a measure of prestige, [but] mortally wounded.
8. James K. Polk
Tasting notes: studious and industrious, the last of the Jacksonians.
7. Millard Fillmore
Tasting notes: methodical industry and some competence; uninspiring.
6. Franklin Pierce
Tasting notes: a true "dark horse"; grief stricken...nervously exhausted.
5. Chester A. Arthur
Tasting notes: dignified, tall, and handsome; suffering from a fatal kidney disease.
4. Grover Cleveland
Tasting notes: single-minded concentration.
3. William Henry Harrison
Tasting notes: a simple frontier Indian fighter.
2. Rutherford B. Hayes
Tasting notes: dignity, honesty, and moderate reform.
1. Martin Van Buren
Tasting notes: trim and erect; impeccable appearance.