Rummy Bears: An Illustrated Cautionary Tale

by

Step 1: Procure the supplies. - CHRISSY WILMES
  • Chrissy Wilmes
  • Step 1: Procure the supplies.
Every few months some dumbshit American teen discovers a new, idiotic way to get high. (Whatever happened to good old reefer madness?) And then on the next slow news day, the story's reported with a hint of panic and a few exaggerations to imply that your kids are probably dumbshits, too.

Kids inhale cow-shit-methane and nutmeg, they iDose and, of course, they do whip its. The lastest trend? Smuggling booze into school inside adorable little Gummy Bears. As you know, Gut Check is deeply concerned with the welfare of your precious little babies. So, we began investigating.

Kids, when you soak gummy bears in alcohol, they get drunk. And this is what happens.

Step 2: Dump everything into a jar. - CHRISSY WILMES
  • Chrissy Wilmes
  • Step 2: Dump everything into a jar.
A Google search for "how to make vodka gummy bears" will pull up dozens of results, but the recipe's pretty simple: toss a bag of gummy bears into a glass container, add enough vodka to cover the bears, set in fridge for 1-5 days.

So, that's what we did. And then we made another batch with rum ("rummy bears") and another with tequila (sub gummy worms for bears, naturally), labeled them with a nice note requesting that our fellow employees please abstain from eating our booze bears until further notice, and left the gummies to relax in their liquor-soaked orgy.

Steps 3-6: Leave gummies in refrigerator for 24 hours. Remove from refrigerator. Drain. Attempt to choke them down. - CHRISSY WILMES
  • Chrissy Wilmes
  • Steps 3-6: Leave gummies in refrigerator for 24 hours. Remove from refrigerator. Drain. Attempt to choke them down.
We'd planned to let the bears chill for about a week, checking them daily. But after only 24 hours, the bears were plump and the liquor was nearly all absorbed.

We drained the excess liquid and plopped the samples onto a plate. Our test subjects, a motley bunch of hard-drinking journalists, were intrigued and excited at the opportunity to get a buzz on at the office by eating adorable booze-soaked gummies.



Left to right: control bear, vodka bear, rummy bear. - CHRISSY WILMES
  • Chrissy Wilmes
  • Left to right: control bear, vodka bear, rummy bear.
Our findings:

- Each gummy tasted like rubbing alcohol, at first. Upon breaking through the surface, a vague sweetness comes through for approximately two seconds, before being replaced by the unpleasant sensation that you're chewing on a shot.

- While they sound like they could be tasty, booze bears are nearly inedible. Given their slick, slimy texture and horrific taste, one participant opted to simply swallow the bear whole, but gagged it back up in our intern's trash can. It wasn't pretty.

- This abomination is little more than a waste of really good candy and mediocre booze.

- After discussing the results, several participants agreed that gummy bears soaked in flavored vodka might actually be okay. Check back for an update on this front next week.

- If you're a concerned parent, you can take "vodka-soaked gummy bears" off your list of troubles. If a room full of experienced 20- and 30-somethings were unable to choke down even one of these bears without shouting, grimacing and tearing up, there is simply no way that a teen could stomach one under wraps in class. The entire office reeked of booze from the moment we opened the first mason jar. If kids are getting away with this in class, you have bigger fish to fry than teenage drinking -- a teacher would have to either be drunk or completely incompetent to not notice booze gummies were attending their class.

Tequila worms are fat, slimy and animated. They keep moving after you put them down... - CHRISSY WILMES
  • Chrissy Wilmes
  • Tequila worms are fat, slimy and animated. They keep moving after you put them down...

comment

Tags