It wasn't all that long ago that Gut Check was donning our finest
Disney princess Star Wars character drag outfit and joining the swarms of greedy American children on the hallowed Halloween quest for candy. So we remember well the post-trick-or-treat ritual of sorting the bounty into two piles, i.e., Good Stuff and Crap.
Then we'd head back out and t.p. all the houses where we'd been handed lame candy. We considered the act to be a hint to the clueless to maybe bust out the Snickers next year instead of those execrable homemade popcorn balls. A community service, if you will.
Now we're on the other side of the door, trick-or-treatily speaking, and we're also working from a position of strength when it comes to stamping out Halloween-candy imbecility.
Want to avoid having your happy home t.p.'ed this year? Check back each weekday between now and the Big Day as we count down the 21 Best Halloween Treats and the 21 Worst Halloween Treats...
Worst Halloween Candy Countdown, No. 2: Bit-O-Honey
If we had our way, these would be renamed Bit-O-HORRIBLES to more accurately describe the taste and texture, as well as to warn eaters of the awful journey their mouth is about to embark on. Oh, and it's a journey all right. Before you pop one of those abhorrent pieces of taffy on to your tongue, you're jaw better be ready for the 20-minute chew-a-thon that will undoubtedly follow. Let's hope you haven't had any dental work done in the last ten years, because this candy's adhesive-like grip is bound to rip it out. Also, let's not forget that it takes a single day for these Bit-O-Yucks to become stale; I'm pretty sure these are the rocks Charlie Brown is talking about.
Click through to reveal No. 2 on the Best Halloween Candy list...
Best Halloween Candy Countdown, No. 2: Any Full Size Candy Bar After years of celebrating Halloween, every trick-or-treating pro knows that any full-size candy bar is where the money is, and most know which house on the block hands out these treasures. These neighbors know what's up, and they are probably the most awesome people around because they know the three important facts about those grownup bars. Fact: Most full-size candy bars are made of chocolate. Fact: Halloween is not a time to think about fats and calories. Fact: The bigger the candy bars are, the better they taste. Fact: Kids have expectations. It you're going to wander around town in a pleather catsuit with chains and KISS makeup, you deserve a full-size candy bar.
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