It wasn't all that long ago that Gut Check was donning our finest
Disney princess Star Wars character drag outfit and joining the swarms of greedy American children on the hallowed Halloween quest for candy. So we remember well the post-trick-or-treat ritual of sorting the bounty into two piles, i.e., Good Stuff and Crap.
Then we'd head back out and t.p. all the houses where we'd been handed lame candy. We considered the act to be a hint to the clueless to maybe bust out the Snickers next year instead of those execrable homemade popcorn balls. A community service, if you will.
Now we're on the other side of the door, trick-or-treatily speaking, and we're also working from a position of strength when it comes to stamping out Halloween-candy imbecility.
Want to avoid having your happy home t.p.'ed this year? Check back each weekday between now and the Big Day as we count down the 21 Best Halloween Treats and the 21 Worst Halloween Treats...
Worst Halloween Candy Countdown, No. 4: Lemonheads
Just knowing Lemonheads are conceived on the same factory equipment as Boston Baked Beans and Atomic Fireballs makes our taste buds cower in fear. Then there's that whole "lemon" thing. Of all the many wonderful fruits in existence, the makers of Lemonheads chose the one we associate most often with wood cleaner and seafood garnishment. Also, what's with that creepy football-shaped dude with a combover and bow tie on the packaging? It feels as though his grin gets wider and his eyes bigger with every chew as he watches our faces pucker in sour anguish.
Click through to reveal No. 4 on the Best Halloween Candy list...
Best Halloween Candy Countdown, No. 4: Candy Cigarettes
A close relative of Pixy Stix, Candy Cigarettes offer the same type of instant sugar rush, but its history and presentation is a bit more rock & roll in comparison. Its production and sales have been banned in several countries, but these addicting sticks of sugar continue to party on as a top seller in the United States, where they are packaged in child-size boxes adorned with rad pictures of Spiderman and Popeye. Personally, we like them because they are the perfect accessory to any leather jacket. Although they might taste a bit like chalk, they sure make us look cool.