There's been a lot of back-and-forth recently about the connection between artificial food dyes and attention deficit disorder. Some studies link food dye to ADHD; they're making the children unhinged little maniacs! Others, like one done by the Food and Drug Administration, suggest that parents need to calm the hell down because food dyes don't cause ADHD. They just give kids funny-colored poop, which benefits everyone because it's hilarious!
We take these debates seriously at Gut Check. We did a little searching for foods that contain the most suspect artificial food dyes - Blue 1 and 2, Citrus Red 2, Green 3, Red 40, Yellow 5 and 6 - and inspected the video evidence available of these dyes on children.
The news isn't good. Our extensive research indicates that food dyes might, possibly, lead to a whole host of mental illnesses that make a little ADHD look like the fallout from too much organic applesauce.
The culprit: Froot Loops cereal Scary additives: Red 40, Blue 2, Yellow 6, Blue 1 The ailment: Gives a young Seth Green delusions of being a toucan.
The culprit: Mountain Dew Scary additives: Yellow 5 The ailment: Extremely impaired judgment that turns good suburban children into a wild pack of hillbilly half-pipe riders. Not even boarding legend of cool Tony Hawk was immune.
The culprit: Fruit Gushers Scary additives: Red 40, Blue 1, Yellow 5 and 6 The ailment: Monster transmogrification.
The culprit: Trix Yogurt for Kids Scary additives: Red 40, Blue 1, Yellow 5, Red 3 The ailment Telekinesis, hallucinating talking bunnies. The culprit: Pop Tarts Scary additives: Red 40, Yellow 6, Blue 1 The ailment: Uncontrollable synchronized foot seizures to the tune of 1980s stock synth-pop.
The culprit: Lipton Brisk Iced Tea (bottled and canned) Scary additive: Red 40 (Are we supposed to be adding red food coloring to home-brewed iced tea? Have we been doing it wrong all these years?) The ailment: Hindered impulse control.
The culprits: Duncan Hines Yellow Cake Mix, Duncan Hines Homestyle Vanilla Icing Scary additives: The cake mix contains Yellow 5, Red 40. The icing uses Yellow 5, Red 40 to make, uh, white. The ailments: Euphoria on par with a night of dropping X and doing body shots. Rekindling of long-dead childhood Dorothy Hamill dreams.