Seven Ways to Shoplift $5 Million Worth of Groceries


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How is this even possible?

Richard Lavern Remington and Angela Rose Evans of Portland, Oregon are accused of shoplifting over $5 million worth of groceries from multiple Safeway stores over several years. They stuck to stealing small, expensive items like batteries and toiletries. The Rogaine does add up, after all.

Once the grocery chain caught on, they installed a tracking device on the couple's van in November. Time explains:

Whenever the van popped up at a Safeway, the loss prevention team would monitor the couple. And their haul was staggering: in less than two months that they were under surveillance, the couple made 103 thefts that were captured on camera - meaning they hit multiple stores a day.

We can learn a lot from Remington and Evans. Like how to steal a boatload of shit and not get caught. Not that Gut Check endorses any of these ideas.

7. Use public transportation. While it might slow your getaway, the store can't place an effective tracking device on a bus. But be careful - they can attach the device to your person, and if your pants are stuffed full of canned hams, you might not feel it.

6. Avoid Aldi's. They don't have $5 million in merchandise in their entire chain, and all those cans are too heavy to smuggle.

5. Graze. They can't prove you took it if you leave with it in your belly.

4. Don't fill up on bread. It spoils too fast, is cheap, and can be awkward to carry without smushing.

3. Truffle oil makes an excellent moisturizer. Just slather it on in the store. Granted, you won't be able to bathe for awhile, you'll have to rub your food on your greased-up body to utilize it, and you're at risk of being attacked by pigs, but you'll easily get a bunch of value out the door. And you'll smell fantastic.

2. The Nine Month Discount Whole boulders of unsliced deli meat or expensive ostrich eggs add up fast, and make for a nice faux pregnant belly. Remember to waddle!

1. Learn from the masters. If you were born before 1989, study the following video. Commit it to memory. Learn it. Use it. It is your holy text.

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