We're Number Six! What St. Louis Needs to Do to Become America's Drunkest City in 2012



Bravo, St. Louis! We worked hard, and we did it: Men's Health has named us America's sixth-drunkest city -- and the drunkest city in the entire Midwest!

St. Louis: Where the squirrels go to hide their Everclear! - DAILY RFT
  • Daily RFT
  • St. Louis: Where the squirrels go to hide their Everclear!

But we can do better. What do Fresno, Reno, Billings, Riverside and Austin have on us? Surely we can outdrink them.

Here are ten ways we can rise to the top:

10. Fill the barren concrete banks of the River Des Peres with Natty Light.

9. The food truck trend's caught on, and it's high time Shot Heaven jumped onboard its own juice jalopy.

8. Every time a disgruntled smokers complains about the new smoke-free laws, all citizens of legal age will be required by law to do a Jell-O shot of Everclear (whose distiller, Luxco, is as St. Louis as Budweiser).

7. Ted Drewes, hire Ted Kilgore to create a line of booze-spiked concretes.

6. Add a rooftop bar to the Gateway Arch.


5. Merge with St. Louis County to increase the drinking population.

4. Investigate fermentation possibilities of the liquid left behind from Provel cheese production.

3. Utilize Boeing's and Scott Air Force Base's war-machine test flights to conduct beer drops all over town.

2. Every time a St. Louisan gets shot, do one.

1. Remain blind drunk until Albert Pujols' contract negotiations are finally concluded.

Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club

Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.

Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.

Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.