Remember the Halloweens of yore? The haunted house in your best friend's basement, where her overbearing dad delighted in cramming your hand into a bowl of peeled grapes while trumpeting, "Oh no! It's a bowl of eyeballs!," causing you to
piss your pants break into a nervous jean-soaking sweat.
We're not falling for the peeled-grape trick any more. Or the bowl of spaghetti "guts." Not when an edible body is so easy to whip up with these snazzy severed snacks....
The actual body's the hardest part, what with its limbs, girth and mass. There's a baker in Thailand who can help. Kittiwat Unarrom, who has a master's in fine arts and baker parents, crafts bread into body parts. He can (please don't make us say it) give you a hand.
The fingers aren't quite gnarly enough. Martha Stewart can help. She has donated her own fingers and toes to the abhorrent-phalange cause.
Oh, wait. Those aren't Martha's actual fingers. They're just homemade pretzels with an almond- and food-coloring manicure.
For the truly human touch, how about a skinned head? The crafty folks at Make Magazine have step-by-step instructions for making a chopped ham head, which is slightly less appalling than eating real human face flesh.
Need a little more face with your head? Hit Burger King and you might get lucky and find a sesame seed smile on your Whopper bun.
If you're making a man and your local erotic bakery just won't do, try your luck at McDonald's. There just might be a crisp phallus in that box o' Chicken Selects!
Women's genitalia's not quite so simple. Sure, you can go for tacos or clams, but that's so eighth grade. There's a lot more to it than that. A female reproductive tract rendered in gingerbread and filled with delicious candy will educate and satisfy. It's where Jelly Babies come from!
Do we have to draw you a map? Okay!
How to best serve your edible body? On a plate made from the imprint of your ass, of course.
Support Local Journalism.
Join the Riverfront Times Press Club
Local journalism is information. Information is power. And we believe everyone deserves access to accurate independent coverage of their community and state. Our readers helped us continue this coverage in 2020, and we are so grateful for the support.
Help us keep this coverage going in 2021. Whether it's a one-time acknowledgement of this article or an ongoing membership pledge, your support goes to local-based reporting from our small but mighty team.
Join the Riverfront Times Club for as little as $5 a month.