DON'T BREAK UP WITH ME I HAVE A BANANA!!!
We've all dated a "crazy" at some point, because they're a blast and - let's be frank - fun in the sack. But crazies are emotional time-bombs. Sooner or later, you gotta end it. Doing this at a restaurant is common, but risky: you might have to dodge some food. Here's what to order right before the last goodbye.#5. Scalding-Hot Sweet-and-Sour Soup
Essential for cowards, because it's self-motivating: order this and the countdown begins. (You can't turn back now; like wild animals, crazies can smell danger.) The more you hem and haw, the more you run the risk of Asian stew hurtling into your eyes. Tell the server you'd both like the soup, do the deed, then bounce - or else.
#4. Banana Cream Pie w/ Whipped Cream
So you're certain
that your batshit-insane paramour will chuck something your way. Well,
have fun with it! Here's your chance to live that slapstick fantasy
Take the pie-to-the-face like a stoic, scrape the cream out of your
eyes, lick your finger, and give the standard "Hmm not bad," shrug! LOL!
Then call the police immediately.#3. Just Ice Water, Thanks
stain. Minimal pain. It might even feel good on a hot day. Sure, you'll
leave the table hungry, but hydration is important for those of you who
will be hoofing it home after the meal. And really, you should
walk. Your life isn't safe anymore in the psycho-mobile. (Have YOU seen Vanilla Sky
?)#2. An entire turkey
It's possible your formerly-beloved headcase will ingest so much tryptophan
he/she dozes onto the tabletop. Then you can leave a break-up note. And
run for the fucking hills. Or any place that's far away from
#1. A single leaf of arugula, no dressing
when launched with great physical force, this probably won't make it to
your body. Of course, that won't matter when you get home and discover the boiling rabbit
, which - as sure as the day you signed up for this Katrina of a relationship - you will
But at least with the arugula leaf strategy, there will be no physical
harm to YOU in the break-up. And that's what really matters: protecting
yourself, at all costs. Even as others suffer.
Is that a crazy way to think?