A Declaration of Independent Beer


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When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the drinking relationship which has connected them with a beer and to assume among the powers of the earth, a new and improved beer to which the Laws of Imbibing and Carousing entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all beers are not created equal, but that they are all endowed by their Creator with certain invaluable attributes, that among these are Love, Alcohol, and the Promise of Deliciousness. -- That to secure these gifts, Bars and Liquor Stores are instituted by People, deriving their just powers from the service of the served, -- That whenever any Selection of Beer becomes stale, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new List, laying its foundation on such draughts and organizing its bottles in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Intoxication and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Lists long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to drink boring beer, while boring beer is cheap than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of disappointments and disrespect, pursuing invariably the same Beers evinces a design to depress them under absolute Tedium, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Beer, and to demand new Beers for their future enjoyment. -- Such has been the patient sufferance of this City; and such is now the necessity which constrains it to alter its former Selection of Beer. The history of the 20th Century is a history of repeated monotony and dumb commercials, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over our taste buds. To declare our independence from this state, let a better selection of fresh, tasty, locally brewed beer be announced to a thirsty world.


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