Schnucks Allows Concealed Weapons in Stores -- Here's Why You Need Them


Probably enough guns for a trip to Schnucks - IMAGE VIA
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  • Probably enough guns for a trip to Schnucks
The Post-Dispatch reports today that Schnucks has removed the signs outside its supermarkets banning patrons from carrying concealed weapons.
"As the discussion continued, we decided to make the change in policy based on the idea that any customer who has a valid license to carry a concealed weapon should be allowed to do so," [Schnucks spokesperson Lori] Willis said. "It really seemed to us as if it were a nonissue."
As I write this, the post has nearly 100 comments, most displaying the intellectual rigor and lambent prose for which Post-Dispatch commenters are well known.

However, some people -- elitist Francophile socialist Kool-Aid-drinking LIBTARDS, as they are known around Gut Check International Headquarters -- ask why you would ever need to bring a concealed weapon into Schnucks.

Have these people never shopped at a Schnucks? There is a very good reason not only to strap a .357 Magnum to your person before entering the store, but also to be prepared to brandish it.

The baggers.

Good. God. If the average Schnucks bagger did his or her job any more slowly, you could set up an easel and paint a still-life.

Look, I realize you're young, and this is probably your first real job, and you have stars in your eyes and ants in your pants, and there are important texts from your best friend about that guy Jason, who always flirts with you when you see him but never actually, like, texts you, and you need to finish the discussion with the bagger two aisles down about the purity of Demi Lovato or whichever Disney tween star is combing the lice out of the Jonas Brothers' eyebrows this week, but some of us lead very busy lives and would just like to purchase our bottle of $5 chardonnay and a package of Ore-Ida Extra Crispy Tater Tots and go home to reflect on where it all went wrong, OK?

Isn't it obvious that if these baggers have to stare down the barrel of Lead Justice, they will shut up, stand at attention and remember to keep the cold and the hot foods separate?

I recommend aiming low. If there's one thing these kids fear more than death, it's dying a virgin.

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