Spencer Walker, Author of Cook to Bang: A Gut Check Exclusive Interview!

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ST. MARTINS PRESS
  • St. Martins Press

Ian gave away a copy of Cook to Bang: The Lay Cook's Guide to Getting Laid by Spencer Walker earlier this week (way to go, Railman!). Now that your curiosity has been whetted, here's an interview with the author of this tome himself.

Walker, who lives in LA, is a writer for children's television and a self-proclaimed expert in the art of seduction via food.

His book includes recipes for meals like Tap That Ass-paragus Soup and libations like the Panty-Dropping Shandy, sample playlists and homely advice like "Clean your shit up! Keep toilet paper stocked: Newsflash, guys. Girls use a lot of toilet paper. Don't make them call out desperately to you for a new roll. Let them maintain their feminine mystique...before you violate it, that is."

Walker talked to Gut Check via cell phone from New York, where he is currently staying in a tiny hotel room, bereft of even a microwave.

Spencer Walker: I hope you weren't too offended by the book. I meant the humor to be tongue in cheek.

Gut Check: You did use an awful lot of puns. [Example: Beet (Your Meat) Salad.] Were there any you considered unworthy of being in your book?

There were some that my publisher and I thought were too ridiculous. Um, I can't think of any right now.

How did Cook to Bang get started?

It started in college. I was a freshman in college who was trying to find a girl who would like me. I felt like I had been lied to by those sexy college romp movies. I had a study date with a girl who was totally out of my league. I liked to cook, but I didn't like the dorm food. So I whipped us up some nachos in the dorm kitchen. She became my girlfriend and people were like, "What's that beautiful girl doing with you?" Cooking has been my most effective way of dating. I've spent most of my life broke. I don't have money to take girls out.

The actual blog started when I was out of work during the writers' strike [in 2007]. I had a lot of downtime, so I started a blog. I came up with the ridiculous title -- it's catchy -- and designed a logo with my poor Photoshop skills.

Why Cook to Bang? Why not Fry to Fuck?

I think "bang" is the parlance of our times. In the Seventies, people used "screw" or "boff." British people use "shag." "Bang" has a double meaning, like you bang out a meal. I considered Cook to Fuck, but it was too crass.

Are you afraid your "bang" will get confused with Emeril's "Bam"?

I'm a big admirer of Emeril. There's a risk of confusion, but "bang" and "bam" are slightly different.

What's the most effective Cook to Bang recipe?

Miso Horny Cod kills every time. Let's say there's been no complaint. It's sumptuous and flaky....

What if someone asks you what it's called? Would you say, "That's Miso Horny Cod you're eating"?

Only if they're in on the joke. The girl I'm dating now knows what I'm up to. But I wouldn't recommend it unless your date has a sense of humor. The titles are supposed to make you laugh. Since most guys are perverts, this gets them into it. I'll do anything for a laugh.

My grandma used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Some of my favorite girlfriends have liked to cook. It's a way of bonding. Several women have used me for my cooking abilities. No one understands why these beautiful women go out with me. But cooking keeps 'em around. It's a way of being attentive to detail. In the book, you have a story about picking up a girl at the Austin City Limits festival and crashing her moped into a cactus and using it to make fajitas. Did that really happen? [As told in the book: "I took nopales (cactus pads), removed the spikes, and stir-fried them. The result was this random, tasty, totally ironic late-night snack that blew Señorita Lupita's mind. She blew something of mine in return. Now one of my exes lives in Texas."]

Absolutely. I'm curious to see how my ex-girlfriend reacts to it.

Are you a fan of the apron -- like the guy on the book cover?

I've become pretty adept in the kitchen. I rarely spill on myself. I don't want to be that guy in the apron.

What are you eating now?

It's sexytime! - IMAGE SOURCE

I've been in a mac-and-cheese phase. I love all the different variations on one single recipe.

Have you ever considered throwing all the aphrodisiac ingredients into one mac and cheese?

I never considered that. Oysters, chiles, ginger -- that could turn out pretty damned good. I'll make a recipe for you when I get back to LA. Or -- what do people eat in St. Louis? I could make a St. Louis recipe.

Toasted ravioli. And Provel cheese. [A brief explanation follows.]

I'll send you an oyster mac and cheese recipe next week.

We can't wait.

After the jump, a sample of Walker's game. Either that or he's just lonely in his microwave-less hotel room. I've never been to St. Louis. What do you guys have there, a bridge?

The Eads Bridge?

That big, shiny thing?

Oh, you mean the Arch.

It's not a bridge?

No. It's the Gateway to the West.

So not a bridge.

No, just, uh, an Arch.

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