Every now and then comes a time when a sensible human being must stop whatever he or she is doing and ask, in a voice as polite but also as insistent as possible, "What the fuck?"
Dear readers, I present the latest offerings from the mad flavor scientists at Frito-Lay: Doritos "Late Night" tortilla chips. I assume they are called "Late Night" because the two flavors now available, "Tacos at Midnight" and "Last Call Jalapeño Popper," are meant to evoke late-night, post-booze (or other Doritos-friendly mild substance abuse) cravings.
How do they stack up? Grab a 12-pack of Natty Light or fire up the bong and follow me after the jump...
Doritos Late Night Tacos at Midnight
Meant to Evoke
: A run for the border.©Actually Evoke
: Remember that time you got wasted and wanted Doritos but didn't have any in the house, so you broke apart some stale Old El Paso taco shells and then sprinkled them with store-brand taco seasoning from a supermarket that had gone out of business, like, three years ago?Arbitrary Success Rate
Tacos at Midnight provide none of the joys of the Fourth Meal: cheesy, melty, greasy and...uh...laxative? The flavor of the seasoning is undeniably American-style taco, which hints that if topped with ground beef and melted cheese, this might make a somewhat decent ersatz nacho. Then again, if you possess the wherewithal to consider -- let alone procure the supplies for and then prepare -- making nachos out of these, then you're probably not the target market.
Doritos Late Night Last Call Jalapeño PopperMeant to Evoke
: I'm not sure, exactly. "Last call" usually implies a final chance for one more drink, whereas I doubt there's ever a time limit on jalapeño poppers. I bet you could organize a sort of progressive late-night meal of nothing but jalapeño poppers, going from one diner to the next, comparing thickness of breading, viscosity of cream cheese and hotness of peppers. If that idea appeals to you, so will these chips.Actually Evoke
: Unless, of course, it's "Last Call" in the sense of "This is the last call for your dignity. Do not order the jalapeño poppers." I thought about dignity often after trying these.Arbitrary Success Rate: 0.7%
Or maybe there's a missing comma in there, and it should actually be, "Last call, jalapeño popper." Because if you were about to be eaten by a college student sweating Jägerbombs, wouldn't you want one last shot of whiskey to dull the pain? At any rate, these chips taste like jalapeño-spiked ass. Avoid!
As for the winner of this battle? It ain't the progress of humankind.