(3159 Cherokee Street, 314-898-0001), St. Louis' premier purveyor of St. Louis-centric apparel, has just dropped its latest T-shirt design, and put plainly, it is a masterpiece.
Available in white, yellow, gray, blue or green, the shirt depicts the noble Loop Trolley, St. Louis' favorite preposterously expensive entirely empty traffic-causing rolling roadblock, in its natural state. The level of attention to detail is stunning, running through the beats of the beast with deadly accuracy.
It Is Murdering a Bicyclist
Backers of the Loop Trolley made clear their intentions to bathe their trams in the blood of bicyclists early on in the project, when they installed metal street signs up and down the street depicting little stick-figure men flying headfirst over their handlebars
for daring to ride near the tracks. STL-Style stays faithful to that vision by incorporating one of those signs' unlucky cyclists into its design.
It Is Wearing the Shorn Doors of its Vehicular Victims Like Earrings
Whether it's the trolley that throws the first punch (usually
) or the car (a twist!
), one thing is sure: The trolley always wins. Here, the undefeated champion wears the remains of its victims as jewelry in a macabre display.
No One Can Be Seen Inside of It, or Even Waiting for It
In perhaps one of the most accurate aspects of the overall design, there are no passengers depicted anywhere. This tracks with anecdotal evidence from employees at Loop businesses, who've told RFT
that the trolley is usually empty, as well as with the eyeballs of anyone who has ever seen the thing in the wild. As recently as Friday, even, Fox 2's Elliott Davis hosted a Facebook Live video
in the Loop, discussing the lack of ridership on a night when the Loop was otherwise busy. Characteristically, he would like to remind you that You Paid For It.
Three Exclamation Marks on the Bell
One of the trolley's most redeeming qualities is that it is loud as hell, which is cool, and that volume is on display in STL-Style's design in the form of three exclamation points on the "ding-a-ling" sound of the bell. Neighbors along the trolley's route tend to disagree with us
about how cool the deafening volumes produced by the trolley actually are — especially its barge-like horn, blasted as it passes through every last intersection — but they can't argue that its depiction here is inaccurate.
The Location Is Spot On
To date, the large majority of accidents involving the trolley have taken place on the stretch of Delmar east of Skinker, right in front of Delmar Hall and the Pageant. (Gee, who could have predicted that?
) And wouldn't you know it? STL-Style's design depicts the door-adorned trolley in exactly that spot, with the Pageant recognizable in the background. Gotta love that attention to detail.
All told, the new design is nothing short of a work of art, leaps and bounds better than the one mocked up for the cover of St. Louis' official 2018 Visitor's Guide
. Soon-to-be passengers smiling and excited as they file onto the trolley? Hardly. Needs more murdered cyclists.
Pick up a shirt here
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