The Cardinals Give Up on Winning Baseball, Hope You Want to Mingle Instead


A week ago the St. Louis Cardinals began removing seats from Busch Stadium. The why of it was a mystery. Was this merely an attempt to ensure more sell-outs? Did Fredbird get married and now needed a place for two to nest?

According to Fox 2, the answer is more menacing than that. The team has plans for an open area that will allow fans to mingle during the game. This prospective redbird meat market will be similar to the live Tinder arenas found in Colorado's Coors Field, with TVs, food and drinks and a garden setting.

If true, this is maybe a signal from the team that next season is going to be best-watched at a safe and comfortable distance, preferably in between snatches of conversation with someone cute, or at least cuter than third in the division.

This is what comes from putting all your eggs in Giancarlo Stanton's basket. Convincing the reigning National League MVP to jump to St. Louis was not just Plan A, it was maybe plans B through D. Stanton nixed the trade for the Yankees, and now we're left with Plan E, "Everybody get to know each other while waiting for Matheny to pull his starting pitcher."

It seems dumb to pay for tickets to a baseball game and then not watch the game, but what are you gonna do? People buy movie tickets so they can look at their phones in the dark, so this new real-world chat room will no doubt be exceptionally popular.

And if it is, expect the owners to turn right field into a cat cafe by 2025.

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