15 Thoughts Every St. Louisan Secretly Has During the Holiday Season, Probably

by and

PHOTO COURTESY OF FLICKR / SCOTT SPAETH
It's that time yet again: the Christmas music is 24/7, you can literally see a different light display (or two) every weekend, the holiday drinks are flowing...it's most wonderful time of the whole freakin' year, isn't it?

It is if you're a good liar. Sure, the holiday season in St. Louis has its highlights — but seriously, nobody can be that darn cheery for 25-plus days. Here are 15 thoughts St. Louisans (probably) secretly have when the holidays hit the city yet again.

15. "I can't afford anything." (Thought while crossing off the Chase Park Plaza as a New Years Eve party option.)

14. "To face the crowds at Garden Glow or not to face the crowds at Garden Glow...that is the question." (Ends up going to Garden Glow with out-of-town relatives regardless.)

13. "If I never have to spend another moment shopping/waiting in traffic in Brentwood/Richmond Heights again it will still be too soon."

12. "Seriously, everyone just GO HOME."

11. "Tell me again why people are eating Ted Drewes in the middle of December?" (Answer: Because it's St. Louis.)

10. While listening to 103.3 FM (KLOU): "If I have to hear 'Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time' even once more, I'm going to drive my car into oncoming traffic.

Switches station to 102.5 FM (KEZK): "Goddammit."

9. "Is this place even open anymore, or am I accidentally trespassing in an abandoned building?" (Thought while walking through St. Louis Mills.)

8. "My Cardinals sweatshirt is red — does that count as Christmas apparel?"

7. At the sight of even one-eighth inch of snow: "Milk, eggs and bread! I must rush to Schnucks and gather supplies for this winter emergency!"

6. "I'm too lazy to cook a Christmas meal. Dinner with the family at Uncle Bill's Pancakes counts, right?" (Yes, it does.)

5. "I need a drink." (Heads to the nearest dive bar.)

4. "What's your name?" (Your reaction when you run into a high school classmate at said bar.)

3. "I hate everyone, especially all these recently returned STL ex-pats. Where can I possibly hide where I won't recognize or be recognized by anyone?" (Clicks on this handy RFT link: 17 St. Louis Bars Where You Won’t See a Soul From High School)

2. "Do we really have to take the relatives to the Arch again?"

1. "Seriously, would it be too much to ask that we wrap the Arch entirely in Christmas lights? Tis the season after all."


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